Journal

So much for "nothing new". I been cruising along for the last month, pulling myself out of the funk his phone calls put me into and was finally feeling some what better, then...

My niece came over last night and told me that she had seen a picture of my ex on Facebook that was posted by a mutual friend of ours from the "wonderful" birthday party his sister's had for him earlier this month. I told myself that I wasn't going to look at it, that I didn't want to see it or him. I did good until this morning.

Good grief...I couldn't stand it anymore, so I looked. I could kick myself. It sent me into a major melt down. There he is with two of his sisters, beer in hand, smiling like he doesn't have a care in the world, looking like the man I gave my heart, soul, and life to...instead of the monster the police took out of our home in hand cuffs.

I have no excuse...other than I just wanted to see. I did this to myself. Because I couldn't leave it alone and NOT look...I am in an emotional spiral right now. My heart aches again, the tears are flowing, the pain is back. The questions...Why did he do this? How could he do this? Did he ever love me?? I wish my  niece hadn't told me, but I don't think she realized how messed up I would get over. My family doesn't know the depth of my pain and sorrow when it comes to him, because they don't take the time to scratch the surface. They mean well, but they just don't understand.

One step forward...ten steps back.

Nothing new is happening. I just noticed that I'm not journaling as much as I was in the beginning. I don't know what kind of sign that is...or if I have just been too busy.

Life is pretty quiet. I still have many ups and downs. Lots of reminders and tiggers that set me back at times. I'm not worried so much about seeing him now. I'm not letting my guard down by any means, but when he first got out of jail and contacted me...I was terrified of seeing him. Not so much now. I just hope it doesn't happen.

I'm working on the depression and anxiety. I want to be med free, but both have me weighed down right now. I have an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks regarding my test results and on top of dealing with the out come of that...I want him to refer me to someone I can talk to about the mess my life became. I want to get it out, heal it, and get on with it.

I worry about ending up alone. No one wants to be alone. I don't know how I will end up, but I keep telling myself that being alone is better than being with him and miserable all the time.

I hope after the first of the year I can survive on my full time job and not have to work part-time as well. I am exhausted! I was thinking last night that I have not have time off from work since April 2008 and that was due to my mom's illness and passing. I have worked constantly since, while dealing with his drinking and abuse. The last vacation I had was in August 2007! I'm ready for some down time...before I burn out.

See, nothing new here. Just rambling and putting down some random thoughts.

It's going to get better!

I feel like I'm on the down hill slide again. Had a good couple of days. Got out with my niece and had some fun.

Now, it's time to think about the holidays. I'm dreading them so much. 2 years ago this time I was sitting in Hospice facility with my mom who was dying from colon cancer, while my alcoholic husband made things harder for me by NOT going to work.

Last year was the first holidays I had not had my mom around at all and I was trying to get my marriage back on track after the first time he went to jail for hitting me. 2009 was supposed to be a better year. It turned out to be a nightmare.

This year it's just me and what little family I have left. I dread it so much. When all the festivities are over, I will just come home. Don't get me wrong, I love my family, but they don't get into the holidays at all. My mom was always the driving force behind our family gatherings. Now, we get together for a couple of hours, eat, and go our separate ways. I know I will feel very alone. I already do.

Last year, I got to be a part of my ex's family traditions. We had a day where all the women got together and made candies and cookies for Christmas. We had so much fun!

I'm not putting up a tree or anything this year. There is no reason. I would be the only one to see it and there is no reason to put up a big tree for a few gifts.

I know there is more to the holidays than gifts, trees, etc.. What bothers me the most is the loneliness I'm already feeling.  I feel this big gaping hole in my heart and my life. I'm just not sure I up to doing all this or not. I would just rather skip the whole thing.

I really miss my mom. She was my best friend and I know if she were here that I would be doing better emotinally than I have been. She was my rock!