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Maggie27 
I'm at the library right now, trying to get some work done. I pushed myself to leave the house tonight, I was so tired and wanting to just watch TV. But D is playing basketball tonight and I didn't want to stay home all day by myself. So I took myself out for a little dinner at this cafe by my house. I've been wanting to eat there for awhile, I've been there to get desserts and bread, but never dined in. It was terrifying. I have such social phobia and I was all by myself. But it was also really nice, I had a panini and the place was almost empty and the environment was really relaxing. So now I'm sitting here at the library and just feeling depressed. I don't know why, entirely. I know I'm burned out from work, it's just the same all the time and I'm starting to get sick of it (I'm a freelance writer). I know I'm lonely (I have zero friends because of my social phobias, other than D and my family). I'm nervous about Thursday. I told my therapist I would go to this Atheist meetup group and D agreed to go with me and I'm terrified, completely. I'm loney but I'm too afraid to make friends. Even sitting here with people around me makes me so nervous I can hardly focus on my work. And I've been like this for so long, despite all my efforts to go to new groups, go to new places, just be out. It never gets comfortable. Will it, ever?
I'm super fatiqued right now, but emotionally I am doing much better. I think I'm through some of the worst parts. Yesterday I hit a brick wall and was just going crazy. D came home from work a little earlier to spend some time with me and we talked and I got to the point where I thought the emotions would kill me. Then suddenly, it dawned on me that he can only do so much. He's going to therapy, he's working to make amends, he went and got tested for all STD's, he's going to addiction groups, he's doing a lot. But I'm in charge of me. And although I don't have to expect myself to put this all to rest until I'm ready, and I'll still be struggling with it for months and years, at some point I have to let go. I have to release the ghost of his mistress (just for good measure, she's a whore, BTW 
) and I have to let go of the resentment, if only a little bit. Once I made a concious effort to do that, I felt much better. I've been feeling like I can be excited about the future and start moving on. I slept really well last night and feel much better today.
Of course, this whole thing has sent me into a Fibro flair, so I'm super tired and in a fog and hurting all over. But now that I'm feeling better emotionally and letting go of a lot of stress, I think I'll be feeling better in no time.
And did I mention only 10 weeks to TTC?!
So I made a few strides in the food department. Yesterday I resisted emotional eating twice. Once at my inlaws when I was feeling anxious and then right before bed as well when I was feeling drained and depressed. Plus, I've lost all my vacation weight plus one pound. I'm very proud of myself. If I can just keep at it I know I can beat this.
Today I am just feeling so drained. I'm still in bed, just watching TV and I feel like I'll never be able to get up and do anything. Part of me wants to just stay here and use "my husband cheated on me" as an excuse to never do anything again. But part of me is dying to get back to real life, to go out for some coffee, meet some new friends, go to the mall. I know that I can't let his choices take my life away, that I am better than that. But how do you put that theory into action when you feel like all the life has been sucked out of you?
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