Journal

Ok I'm sure my husband thinks I'm crazy. I have always been a bit of a hypochondriac and now that I have proof of problems it freaks me out. About 5 years ago I had pain/numbness in my feet- the doc said neuromas. I just live with it because there's not much else I can do. About 6 months ago I started feeling numbness and tingling in my hands- it's funny when you say numb and people think that shouldn't bother you because numb is "Absence of feeling". well it really hurts when it does it- so maybe numb is not the right word. How about throbbing, pins and needles, and it feels like all the blood has rushed out of my fingers. Mostly I get this when I am driving, sleeping, writing, walking my dog- ok so often. One stupid doctor said- you're too young for CTS, i don't know what's wrong with you. He didn't even take Xrays. The next doctor said- yep CTS, but I won't explain it to you. Just wear this brace on your right arm despite the fact that BOTH hands hurt. So I've decided to live with CTS too without pain killers or surgery because those things would indicate that I admit that I have this problem and it will never go away.

Now, a month or 2 ago, I noticed a dark mole on my upper back- it looked like 3 of my freckles had merged and turned black.  I went to the dermatologist and they biopsied that and 2 others that I had no idea seemed to be a problem. Turns out the scary one was severely atypical and the surprise one on my hip was moderately atypical. Oh and don't forget that the dermatologist wanted to biopsy a few more, but didn't want to overdo it the first time. So NOW I have 5 stitches on my back and 5 stitches on my hip. When I get the stitches out, I will get another biopsy done on my other hip. My husband is being a good sport and trying to pamper me and dress my wounds. I just don't think he gets that I am scared. I read somewhere that when a doctor says "Severely atypical" it means that they may still be undecided as to whether it is actually melanoma. Why doesn't my husband seem worried at all? I can't tell if he's just trying to be the confident one or if he thinks I'm looney. I'm a counselor- I know I should be realizing about now that this all plays back to my mom dying young and not being able to see how she was as an adult. In my world, I guess, people die before they're "supposed" to.

I am about to start my real career in a month. I'm just now finished with grad school and starting "real life". I want to have kids. I wanted to wait 5-10 years and THEN have kids. Now that my body is falling apart- what's the chance that I can even have kids? I feel like my body is aging before my time- I've always thought these health problems were for people who were at least past mid-life crisis. I've discovered through my research that I'm wrong- but this still sucks.

Ok I know I'm having a pity party for myself. You're invited if you want.  If I read this later and I realize I sound cooky- I'll blame the Lortab. this crap makes me sick.