kalico's Journal

My counselor and I have been working lately on how disconnected I am from my emotions until they overpower me... he has me looking into why I do it (which trauma in my past caused it) and when I have done it. I am realizing more and more that I quickly and easily have been snapping into detached, workaholic, survival mode without ever really coming fully out of it.

I am realizing that all the times that the world was falling apart, and I was handling it all by myself with a smile -- to the point of life's passerbys saying, "Wow, how are you okay through all of that?" Me: "What? It's fine. I'm doing great"... i was disconnected. But I wasn't lying. This is what I thought I was feeling. It's a strange concept.

Its not the same as feeling sad/angry/overwhelmed/scared and then lying to others. Like seriously, I have had no connection to those emotions until my body gave my secret away -- tears that catch me off guard, vague pains with no cause, nausea & vomiting right before big events... and I had many excuses and people around me with excuses to avoid digging deeper.

So now that my career situation is touch and go.. and my marriage is on the rocks... and I am just getting the time to figure it all out, it's overwhelming. That things i "thought" I was okay with, I wasn't. And it explains a lot of my anger and resentment... and the mismatch between my actions and what I'm saying. There are things that I have believed as true, that now I am realizing I felt the complete opposite -- with respect to life decisions, family decisions, marriage decisions. It's very overwhelming to read through old journals and see that a voice in me was trying to say how I feel but I just couldn't get to it. I couldn't reach it.

Either way -- it's not good to let all these emotions build up when I don't even know they're building until I explode at one thing, and I blame it on that one thing (like significant other). When maybe it was about everything else for the last 2 weeks that I never even knew bothered me, until he said the wrong thing.

-K 

PS The anger management is going well...