Soul Mate ------------ Our eyes …
Soul Mate ------------ Our eyes meet from across the room Heart sores and skips a beat Breath held Words …
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CheriS 
11:15pm, July 23, 2009
Well I had more contact with the stbx yesterday on the phone, he starts texting me about the bank again... I hadn't touched it this time, then gets pushy again about me meeting him to get my name off the account. I finally answered his call and reminded him that I told him on Sunday I probably wouldn't be able to meet him this week and that he had a lot of nerve pushing me, its not as if this was his account, we opened this together, as a married couple, so I have as much right to it as he does, he kept trying to cut me off but I wanted to finish what I had to say. Again, I did not raise my voice, or get angry, but he hung up.
Then started the nasty text messages, telling me to F off, that nobody can talk to me, I just keep talking over him and he was just asking me a question, but "he would make sure never to speak to me again so he never had to hear my shrill bitching voice again"... so I replied that he was the one that would not let me finish what I was saying, but cut me off as usual, even tho I was speaking to him pleasantly,.... It became like a tennis match, he responded with more angry words .. that "I don't know how to be pleasant, that i'm the most hatefull n rude person he has ever met and I prove it every time I open my mouth".. I responded that "No, thats you the liar and the cheater", and again, here came the past throw up in my face, only this time the slant was "you aint no prize yourself, im so done with you, its the best move i've ever made in my life, I Tried to forgive you for what you did thinking it would make us closer, but you only got meaner. I waited 7 years for you. I warned you and warned you but you never listened to anyone but yourself so now your with the only person in the world that makes you happy, yourself". I stopped responding and about after 4-5 more messages he finally quit.
The "what you did" part is the fact that I had developed a gambling addiction during the time we were engaged, and I got in some trouble over money because of that right after we came back from our honeymoon. What he forgets is that I BEGGED him to leave me then, quite a few times, I told him I would give him a divorce, an annullment, whatever, because I never wanted him to pay for what I had done. Did he, no, he swore he loved me and that he forgave me and would never throw this in my face. Yet he has done that every single time we speak since 2 days after he walked out, and I do mean everytime. I am sooo sick of hearing it, this is how he acts, even before we split, whenever you try to talk to him about anything, it's always my fault, i'm mean to him, I treat him badly. So I sat down today and typed out a long letter to him. He probably won't ever read it, I don't even know that I will send it. It would probably just be a huge waste of time but it made me feel better to get out my feelings on all of his accusations, to get out my feelings on our whole relationship and let him know just how he has hurt me. Of course, I want to stand up for myself and remind him of how I supported him through all of the problems he caused, but again, it would be wasted time and energy because he is not ready to hear it, or anything, especially from me. I'm the big bad evil person and his whore is an angel. Oh well. Writing it out helps me and at this point, its all that matters. I will include it in my next entry.
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Dear Cheri,
You are going through a horrible divorce. Most are. I've been there. My dear son's father (sometimes, I refer to him in my head as the younger, stud sperm donor that I needed to fulfill MY infertility problems! lol) has called me every name in the book as well. It's been almost 10 years since our nasty, very costly divorce; however, sometimes, we still have disagreements and he hangs up the phone.
Things used to be better, so maybe they too will get better for you. My dear former spouse of 6 1/2 years took me to the cleaners (I had no pre-nup like I had been advised) and he was seven years younger and came out of the deal quite well, but that still wasn't good enough.
I filed, despite the fact that I don't even believe in divorce, because he told me he didn't love me anymore, he had been fired from his job (for some unknown reason that I never could discover) , and he had reconnected with a former high school girlfriend. She was gf # 1 (I had to start numbering them!). She was sweet, my friends called her "Bambi", and I felt nurturing toward her. She had a child a year younger than ours who was precious. Our son was 2 1/2 when his father was told to leave the house! "Bambi" treated my son great and that was all that mattered to me. I liked her. He treated me like dirt. I went into counseling because, I, just like you, blamed myself. (Btw, Bambi must have had this little girl when she was 12 because she looked 18 -- hence the nickname!)
I won a landmark legal case to move my infant/toddler son out of the state where he was born and had lots of relatives to move to a state almost 1,000 miles away. My former love was furious. I had primary custody and we shared visitation so we commuted half-way across the country so he could see his father. A year later, his father moved to the same city with gf # 2. She was great too............also had a child a year younger. She was older, smart, and I loved the way she treated my child. I felt honored to have her. We got along better than they did, I believe! She was a nurse. Our relationship really became solid -- we coached a T-ball team together; we did school homeroom parties together; we went to parent/teacher conferences together. My friends at work thought I was on drugs, especially the coaching part! I thought it was healthy for my son so I did it. We were friends, we had had a child together, and we loved the same little guy. It made perfect sense.
Then, gf # 3 came along. I believe gf # 2 was too smart and learned too much so she left! ha! That's what happens when you have a brain, unlike I did when I married him.......although I digress to needing those young sperm! lol She's a very interesting piece of work...........hates me, talks bad about me in front of my son (always lovely!), and my formerly beloved tells me "she's the nicest person I'll ever meet." (I love this quote and use it often to describe her to friends.) ha! My husband describes her as : "Someone who looks like she's spent a lot of quality time in a bar!" ha! (That's from a man's point of view.) I won't comment. She treats my son great, hugs him, kisses him on the forehead, and I'm grateful for that.
I believe she has had a huge impact on my relationship with my son's father. It's okay but not great which adds stress for my son. That sickens me. I am no threat to her. I paid thousands and thousands of dollars to get rid of the "love of her life." I would believe it's obvious that I don't want him anymore. However, nonetheless, she still hates me and treats me like dirt, especially in front of my son. He knows too, that's the worst thing.
So, let me give you the advice from a dear friend of mine who put up with same mess from a series of girlfriends and evil comments/actions from her former beloved/sperm donor...........whatever name is appropriate: You cannot control the behavior of others.
It's simple, to the point, and very true. I do my best to be polite. I don't rush up to hug them both. I try to keep a distance since this is what they both want. I reassure my son that I love his dad for helping me to create him and for being a great dad to him and telling him he loves him so much. (He's very emotional toward our son and that touches my heart.)
As for the gambling addiction problem, we have all made our share of mistakes. I'm in no place to give marriage advice, for instance! lol However, in your case, it sounds like you have more than made up for your mistake. It's time for you to forgive yourself of this guilt. You obviously have a work ethic, realize this isn't any way to live, so leave it in your past. I used to drink around 10 Pepsi's per day and subsidize with M & M's and Milk Duds years ago just to get the caffeine to stay up all night to work all the hours needed for my job. It was killing my body -----------my family has a horrible diabetes background. A wise doctor scared me...........and so slowly, I started to cut down. Then, this marriage rejection started up and I fell back into the same old habit and on came the weight. Never again. I drink 1-2 Pepsi's per day. I need it to get through the depression of a job search here. Someday, I'll manage to quit completely.
Don't let your former beloved push your buttons. He knows you and he's doing exactly that. Why..........I can just imagine what my dear son's father tells about me...............I beat him (he's at least 2x my size!), I was gay, I had affairs on him (I never cheated), I drank too much ( I can't handle alcohol well), or maybe I didn't use deodorant or never shaved! Who knows????? And, at this point, who cares???? Besides, he now has the "nicest woman I'll ever meet" in his arms.
Writing your feelings out (journaling, as some say) does help. If this is useful to you, then type away. But DO NOT let your dear, former love let you talk down to you, use foul language at you, or demean you in any way. There's a button on the phone to hang up. Politely say: I'm hanging up now and then press that button. It's very easy to do. I've done it a thousand times.
You have now been added to my prayer list. Divorced people have a special place in my heart. They always have had. I've been there. It's a tough burden to bear, but you can make it.
Sad
sad8387