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CheriS 
11:15pm, July 23, 2009
Had a bad weekend...got into it with my stbx yesterday on the phone.. I knew I shouldn't.. that I should wait or not even bother... but it has been sitting inside me for the past 3 weeks eating at me every minute of the day... so I let him know that I knew about his new g/f and that he was/is cheating... of course everything is still all my fault in his mind... he has done nothing wrong...blah blah blah... but so be it.. I think it's finally gotten thru to me that there is no going back.. no mending of this broken marriage... the pain and hurt are still there but I am not going to let it drag me down into that pit of depression again. I can't sit here and watch every car that goes by wishing it was him pulling into the driveway and telling me this is all a big mistake...I thought I was thru the worst of it... hadn't cried for over 4 days, but then I guess you can't just turn a switch and shut off when you have loved someone for 8 years... no matter what they have done to you... I think that's what is making me so mad at myself more than mad at him... the fact that I still love and miss the man I was married to... How can I still love someone who has done the things to me that he has... I miss the one from the beginning of our relationship... who I thought loved me in return and certainly acted and showed feelings of love. That has been gone from our relationship for too long... and won't be coming back... at least not on his end... I truly think he has hatred in his heart for me after hearing the things he has said.... but I cannot dwell on that... I have to keep telling myself that man doesn't exist anymore and move my life forward.
I have been getting the packing done... taking a shower and taking a little time to take care of myself every day... trying to get on my exercise machine at least on the days that I don't do a lot of work here in the house.... searching the online job databases in the new town I will be moving to....not much out there but hopefully something will turn up soon.... I've also been getting things finalized here as well as I can before the move on Saturday.... Just have to try to keep that in my head and not thoughts of him and what could have been....Thank god for my three friends whom I have been able to share everything with over the phone... it has helped me so much... They are my lifeline right now as well as this as an outlet.
UPDATED GOALS
Get thru this breakup
Progress 25%
Encouragements: 0
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Cheri,
Thank you so much for your support. I have been trying so hard to stay busy and focused. I do so good until I have to come home to the empty house and the constant reminders of memories and it is hard. I try to keep busy, I have school work and things to study for an upcoming exam I have to take, and that helps. I find myself drifting off course or getting upset, and I look for positive ways to channel the pent up feelings and it does help ALOT. I talk to friends and my Aunt who are very supportive and help me a great deal. You're not alone either and I know it can hit you like a brick wall even when you think you've had a very productive positive day. I just got done crying yet again, and thought I was doing so good today, and the stupidest of things sets me off all over again. I know in time it will get better and this website helps a great deal to get it all out and know there are others out there who understand and can relate to what we are going through. (((((((((((Cheri))))))))))))))) Thank you!!!
Leayre7733