CheriS's Journal

I guess i'm at the angry stage, at least I haven't been crying my eyes out all the time, wishing I had done things differently.  I have always been a strong person, until the past year or so when I gave up fighting, gave up on myself, my house, my marriage... I was so tired of fighting.  But i'm back now.... I feel the strength returning... I wanted to fight for my marriage until I realized he was seeing someone already, and it had started before he left.  Now I just want to fight to get my life back on track...to be the person I used to be.  I may never have had a lot of "stuff" but I always had my integrity... I lost that once, I will never lose it again...and now I say that about my strength... I lost it once... where did it get me?  Nowhere... I won't lose it again... I am strong...I am capable... I have always supported myself, my family, I practically raised my son alone and he has turned out to be a good son, independant, capable, strong.  I may not always have been the best mother, but I wasn't the worst either... and I will support myself again.  I will make a go of my life no matter what.

My stbx tried to convince me that I was such a mean person, mean to him, his family, his kids, my son, my family, my friends... He is wrong...I am not that mean spirited person that he believes I am.  Have I been selfish and self-centered sometimes, yes, guilty, but I have and always will be there for my family and friends in any way that I can.  I always supported him whenever rough times came, when he couldnt find work, when he lost jobs, when we lost our house, when he got involved in the internet/porn addiction...  I've never thrown those in his face, or his past relationship mistakes, I was always a rock when it came to the big stuff...  my problem is handling the little stuff... getting angry and bitchy and snappy over stupid stuff... that's where my attidude needs work and I am going to work on that.

Am I angry... you bet... but I don't hate him... and I never want to get to that point...he walked out on me, left me with no money, no transportation, nothing...  and hasn't looked back since...  He promised to try to help me, and went back on that word....I know he is trashing me to his family and friends... he wants to make himself out to be so mistreated... I think he really believes he did everything he could, but he didn't...  He gave up on our marriage too... and refused to go to counseling... We are both guilty of giving up...  he wants his freedom, wants to have no ties, no responsibilities... he is just running away... maybe one day he will wake up and realize what he lost... He has turned into the one thing he despised... a liar and a cheat... I feel sorry for him... but i'm sure he will blame that on me too... I can't focus on that tho... I have to focus on getting me right and moving on.... it helps just to vent this here in my journal.