Journal

You say that you “tried to forgive me for what I did thinking it would make us closer” I take that to mean when I got in trouble into because of the gambling addiction I acquired going to the Casinos every night WITH YOU. You don’t TRY to forgive someone, you either do or you don’t. I begged you to leave me then, a few times, I told you I would give you a divorce, annulment, whatever, but I never wanted you to pay the price for what I had done, even tho you reaped the benefits of it.  You never asked where the money came from to pay the bills, or to pay your truck payment, or to pay for us to go to the casino every night of the week. But you swore to me that it didn’t matter, that you loved me, that you would NEVER hold it against me, yet that’s exactly what you have done. That’s the first thing you threw in my face two days after you left and have continued to do so every time we speak. When it happened, you said you forgave me, not that you were TRYING TO FORGIVE ME. I didn’t TRY to forgive you when you took away any and all affection from me, but instead spent 6-8 months of your time on the internet with porn and chatting with MEN, even making plans to meet with them, until I let you know I knew exactly what you were up to.  It took me 2 months to do that because I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and had no clue how to respond or react. But I didn't go crazy, I didn't freak out, I just told you that I knew what you were up to and it had to stop and I wanted us to go to counseling.  I believed you when you said you never did anything, it was all just on the computer, I FORGAVE YOU… because I loved you. I begged you to go with me to counseling. You went once, and left after 10 minutes pissed off because you didn’t like what you were hearing, because the counselor was coming down on you hard over the internet thing. You didn’t want to acknowledge how deeply what you had done hurt me, how much it demeaned me as a person and as your wife, how much it killed my soul. Even after that I asked you to find someone you would be more comfortable talking with, but no, you wanted to take the easy way out, just ignore it and make it go away. Well it didn’t go away, yes, you stopped using the computer, but nothing else changed in our marriage or sex life. Do you know how that made me feel? That I believed you wanted a MAN instead of me??? I couldn't even talk to anyone about this, I didn't know there were support groups for this type of thing, and I certainly wasn't going to tell even my closest friend, C*** because I would NEVER want anyone to think less of you for that.  THATS HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU.  You hurt me more than anyone ever has or ever will.

You said I just got meaner and meaner… No I got more hurt every single day, your neglect and cold shoulder put a knife in my heart every day, so much so that I started sleeping on the couch because I hated laying in the bed beside you crying myself to sleep every night just because I so missed your touch. You took this as Meaness when it was HEARTBREAK. You didn’t even know I cried myself to sleep night after night did you? Because you didn’t care. All I EVER wanted from you was for you to love me and show me you love me. I didn’t care about fancy cars, houses, clothes, jewelry, just your love. The first 3 years or so of our relationship were good, because we both showed each other love, I would do ANYTHING for you, anything to make you happy, because that’s all I wanted was for you to be happy, but when that went away, so did everything else.

You say I was SO MEAN to you, but the truth is I always supported you. I may have a short temper when it comes to little crap that happens, but I was ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, NO MATTER WHAT, thru the hard times and especially the even harder times. You won’t find anyone else who will “be there for you” like I was. I was ALWAYS there for you, not halfheartedly, but all the way. Supporting you, loving you, doing what I could to help in any way I could find. I supported you emotionally and financially when you moved in with me and couldn’t find steady work in RI for more than a year, paying the bills, paying your truck payment, paying for our wedding. I never came down on you for it, I never threw it in your face. When we had to pack up and leave RI because you just couldn’t find work there, I went willingly. I was there for you when you would call me to drive a couple hours to get you after you slipped up and went on a drug binge. I NEVER came down on you for that because we all make mistakes, some bigger than others. I supported you emotionally and financially when you lost your first job in NC, told you it was a blessing in disguise because of how they were treating you and how they were overworking you. I supported you when your son had to come live with us and then put us through hell with the police and courts. I supported you when the only job you could get was in Virginia, a place I really never wanted to live again, but I went with you willingly, even when I had such a great job, I figured out a way to keep it, for you and for US. I supported you when you and your dad pushed for us to buy a house, even tho I told you that I didn’t think we were financially stable enough to do that, I was happy in that house we were renting, it was a great house and all we needed and I really didn’t want to be tied down in Virginia of all places, but you were determined and so I was there, behind you all the way. I supported you when you lost another job because of your temper and couldn’t find work for months. I supported you when you finally found work then got hurt on the job, and I was there for you even after your benefits ran out and we were on the verge of, then finally did lose the house because you couldn’t find work again. It hurt me more that YOU were losing the house than me, because I knew you loved that area, that was one of the reasons I picked that house to begin with. I supported you in the move to North Carolina, even when you warned me that it would not be good for you to be back in Greensboro because you were afraid you would get back into your old drug/drinking habits with your old friends, and sure enough, what happens, exactly that, with the added bonus of you sneaking around and cheating on me with another woman, a freakin bar whore no less.

Are you the Only one at fault in this? Absolutely NOT. I was at fault to, in many ways. I started sinking into depression, let myself go physically, and got more and more frustrated and hurt with you because I couldn’t figure out what you wanted. You said you didn’t care about the weight gain, but those were just WORDS. Your actions proved different. When I lost my job in Greensboro and couldn’t find work, which had never been a problem before, I really just sank into the bottom of that deep dark pit of depression. No car, no job, no medication, no money to go to a counselor, and NO SUPPORT or LOVE from my husband. The one person in this world that mattered most to me. It’s not an excuse, I should have been stronger, but I gave up and gave into the depression, I AM GUILTY of that. I let the house go, hell there were many days I couldn’t even get off the couch, let alone take a shower, or do anything. I didn’t even want to go outside the door, and I have NEVER been that type of person. And YES, I used the TV and computer as a way to just forget about how miserable I was. It became my new addiction, tho I never did anything out of the way on there. just played games. But did you understand that this is a DISEASE? NO. You say you tried everything to support me. In your mind maybe you think you did, but in reality, you make a few half hearted gestures and never followed through with any of them. I tried to get you to read up on depression so maybe that might help you to help me or to at least understand it, hell I didn’t understand it, so I really didn’t expect you to without some help, but no, that was too much trouble. You think that asking me to go fishing at a pond full of mosquitoes which I hate was doing something supportive. You think saying things like “this weekend you and me will get together and clean the house up, it will go faster with both of us doing it” was supportive, It would have been if you had actually DONE IT, but you slept the days away or sat your ass on the couch or took off with your buddies and never followed through.

You said to me that I pushed you away. I NEVER, EVER pushed away any type of affection you decided to give me. I CRAVED IT, it‘s all I ever wanted from you. But I did stop making the first move, being the one to always try to initiate it, because you made me feel like you couldn’t stand my touch, like I was bothering you. Hell I cried the last time we did have sex, last fall, did you even notice? Why? Because you made me feel like it was a freakin CHORE for you. Sex 3 times in 4 years, no French kissing, no kissing at all, just a cold peck on the cheek if I was lucky, then not even that. No backrubs, no hand holding, no hugs, NOTHING. I tried and tried to change this, I tried to get you to talk to me about your fantasy’s, but you just shut down, just like when I would try to talk to you about our whole relationship and the problems we were having. Your reactions were one of two things, one either you would sit there with your head down, your eyes trained on the floor, not look at me, not even acknowledge what I said or that I was even speaking to you….. or the other response I would get was when you would blow up and freak out claiming I was blaming everything on you, that “your ex wife did that to you and you weren’t going to take it anymore” (hmm seems that’s another pattern, comparing everything to what you and your ex went thru)… you would also slam things or break things then storm out, only to come back later and apologize and say “we’ll try harder”. It got to be that I just stopped trying to talk to you about anything with substance. I tried buying lingerie, I tried everything I could think of, anything to stimulate our sex life again, but it was as if you felt OBLIGATED to make love to me. You claimed a couple of times that it was “because you are mad every single day and who wants to love on someone mad all the time”… So I kept a dairy of every day, if I got mad, what I did to try to “Make an effort”… Remember that?? When I showed it to you and it showed that I had only gotten mad twice in a month then there were other reasons… In other wards, IT WAS AN EXCUSE. After a long while, I quit trying, your rejection hurt too much. After a couple of years of this, if you did touch me, the only time I ever pull away from you is when I hadn’t showered and I felt like complete garbage for it. But did you say It’s ok honey I understand, NO. You just felt happy to ignore me and live like I was your housekeeper and maid instead of your wife, or you got mad and we had another argument. When you left you put all the blame for this on me as well saying you made an effort, well let me tell ya, going to bed every night with “the door to the bedroom open” or saying “come on lets go to bed” is NOT MAKING AN EFFORT, it’s the lazy way to say you tried.

Then to top it off come the lies, the sneaking around and the cheating. You can say you didn’t “cheat” on me because you may or may not have had sex with the whore, but you were certainly seeing her at the bar, texting her and talking to her long before you left. THAT IS CHEATING. You threw away me, our marriage and your VOWS (remember them? The “for better or worse” “in sickness and in health”, “for richer or poorer” “keeping yourself ONLY FOR HER”). No you threw it all away like it, and I, was yesterdays trash. I still don’t want to believe that you have turned into that kind of man, I would NEVER have believed it if someone told me that you would do such a thing, but fact is fact.

You say I can’t talk to you decently, well you admitted about a year ago, that no matter HOW NICE I might be, no matter how nicely I might try to ask you to do something, or talk to you about something, that there was just NO WAY you could listen to it without getting angry. How is a person supposed to do anything with that? I begged you to tell me how do you want me to talk to you, what or how do you want me to say something so that it doesn’t offend you and you said I DON’T KNOW. Remember that? If you can’t tell me what you want, how the hell am I supposed to figure it out? It does not matter if I try to talk to you in a pleasant way, not yelling, not angry, you are so filled with hate and anger that it doesn’t even register.

I’m sure that if you have read this at all, all you have read is that I am blaming you, blah blah, Maybe read it a couple of times and you might actually see that WE WERE BOTH AT FAULT… I just wanted you to know how I felt and how your actions made me feel, since you have been very vocal on what a horrible, terrible, mean, hateful person you think I am. In your mind everything is my fault, you’ve been a saint and done everything you can. Until the day you realize how wrong you are, and the mistakes that you made, you will never have a good relationship with anyone. You may think its great for a while, just like ours was in the beginning, but then when reality sets in, you will start running again, because that is your pattern. You run away. In your younger life your escape was hard drugs and drinking (your own words)… now its smoking pot and walking away from everything, taking the easy way out. You didn’t just walk away from me and our marriage, you stopped paying all the bills, you are only concerned with your new piece of ass and having a good time. Your drinking a lot more and I can only wonder what other bad habits you have fallen into. It makes me sad to think of you like that and I only hope, for your sake alone, that one of these days you wake up and see things for what they TRULY are. I have a lot of faults, I got weak and let depression take hold of me and didn’t find a way out, I lost myself in all of that, became a person I wouldn’t and don’t want to be, I get loud sometimes without even meaning too, I get angry, especially when I’m hurt by the one person I have truly loved more than anyone else in my life, including my ex’s, but I have NEVER lied or Cheated on you. I have always stuck by you and done the RIGHT thing, I would NEVER have thrown away our vows, even tho our marriage was practically none existent, because I still LOVED YOU. TRUE LOVE… something I don’t think you really understand or feel, because when you LOVE someone, you don’t give up on them. I gave up on a lot of things, but I never gave up on YOU. Maybe one of these days you will understand the difference.

C