Journal

So since I've had my heart attack back in May, I have done a lot of thinking.  I've thought about mortality.  I've thought about why I had to go through this.  I've mostly thought about what is important in life.  The more I look around, the more I see a world that has absolutely no idea about what is important and what is real in life.  Let me explain a little about myself.  I'm 26 years old and am a musician.  I had a band (we broke up back in Jan) and have a family.  Prior to the heart attack, I was your average human being.  I spent too little time with those I loved and too much time trying to capture success, glory, and money.  I worked round the clock to make sure my band was on it's way to success and would've stopped at nothing to get to the ultimate destination I was headed for.  Throughout all of this, I experienced more grief than I had ever expected.  I almost lost my family, for my band.  I was ruining my finances, as I wasn't really earning the money I needed to support my family.  I ruined many a friendship, not hanging out with those I loved, turning on those who were turning on me, etc.  In the end, I lost two of my best friends, my bandmates.  When we broke up, it was very bitter and we haven't spoken since.  I went on my way, trying to regain what I had lost.  I started looking for a day job (as I stated, we earned money in the band, just not enough to cover my expenses.  It was my day job and would've supported just me, but not a family of five)  I started spending more time with my family and friends.  I started seeing things outside of my band.  Through all of this though, I still wasn't LIVING life.  I thougt I was, but I was just going through the human motions.  So fast foward to after my heart attack.  I was thinking one day and I had a revelation.  That the only thing one needs in life is just life.  I used to get stressed about human, earthly things, just like everyone else.  Money, my job, car problems, etc.  It wasn't until I almost didn't have it that I started to value my life.  Too many people worry about things that they either can't control or shouldn't be worrying about anyway.  My wife and I used to have money arguments.  That was until I realized, money isn't real.  It's just a neccessary evil.  You need it to get what it is you need, and that's it.  It doesn't make you any better than anyone else, you can't take it with you, and most often, the people who don't have a lot of it are the most grounded, successful people in life.  Money won't get you into Heaven.  When Christ came to the world to teach us how to live, he never gave a business lesson.  Why?  Cause they have no money in Heaven.  Love and care is what is traded in Heaven and is also what should be traded on this earth.  I would much rather have a person ask me how I'm doing and truely mean it, then someone giving me $100 any day of the week.  Fighting is stupid too.  Why fight?  Life is too short to carry a grudge.  If I died tomorrow and I was mad at my wife, refusing to speak to her, I have cut myself short on one of the most valued treasures available to man, TRUE LOVE!  We say we truly love people, but do we really?  Think about that.  I can honestly say, prior to this, my love had conditions.  I loved my wife, but only if she was doing what was pleasing to me.  If she did something to offend me, I still loved her, but you wouldn'tve been able to tell from my reaction.  I would blow up, not speak to her, etc.  Now, I try to not get angry at her, or anyone for that matter.  Anger changes nothing.  All it does is hurt others and take time off our life.  Now, when I pass a beautiful landscape, I take it in.  I used to just pass on by, passing it off as just some land.  But it's not.  It's a beautiful picture God painted just for us.  I help everyone I can now.  I used to help only those who helped me, but not everyone is in a position to help others.  I'm sure there's lots of people who would love to help others, but have not the time, nor money, or even health to do so.  I, however, still do.  And I intend to use it, every chance I get, to help my fellow man in need.  This world is so obsessed with what's popular, what's current, and what's trendy.  But in reality, none of that means anything.  It's how you live that means everything.  Not only can you help others out, be kind, and feel good about it, but all of this costs nothing!  It's free to love, to stop and admire a sunset, to help  a neighbor move.  And it pleases God to know that his most beloved creation is functioning the way he had intended.  So to all of you who are still chasing the "dream", the money, the fame, whatever, I say to you: Take a good hard look at what you have.  I don't mean materially, I mean as a person.  At the end of the day, it's all you have and it's what matters the most.  You will never feel truly alive, until you figure this out.  All the vacations, cars, and technology will ever substitute the feeling of knowing that you are living life to it's fullest and taking nothing for granted along the way.