mommato2tots's Journal

I know I haven't been here in a while. I got through my 13th infection like I always do, nursing myself through it. Now I'm clear again but just waiting for my next. I came on here wanting to vent about my problems but now I feel like if I do, I'll push people away that aren't even my friends yet like I have all my friends in my real life. Apparently I must be too negative, or sick too often for people to like having me around. How can I not be? I've started thinking lately that when I get my next infection(s) that I'm just going to let it go. No matter how painful it is, I'm just going to let it do whatever it wants no matter what the outcome. I don't "want" to die, I just don't want to live this way. I'm an overweight illness ridden woman with 2 kids I can barely take care of like they deserve and a marriage that's already failing at 4 months. I swear I keep pushing people away but then I get all down when they do leave like I expect them to put up with me longer. It hurts to be shunned because I'm a "tainted" person that might infect them or their family. People put on a brave face but you know deep down that as soon as they go home they'll scrub up and throw away their clothes. I can be absolutely blemish free and people still don't trust that I'm safe to be around. So I'm always at home sitting alone, browsing the internet or playing stupid online games because those are the only true friends I have. Being depressed or moody so my husband and my kids end up ignoring me or staying out of my way. I'm a poor excuse for a mother and an even worse wife. When I got this MRSA thing, I had everything going for me in life. I was happier than I had ever been in my entire life. MRSA has destroyed my life, my happiness and my existence. It might as well finish me off.