Journal

I know I haven't been here in a while. I got through my 13th infection like I always do, nursing myself through it. Now I'm clear again but just waiting for my next. I came on here wanting to vent about my problems but now I feel like if I do, I'll push people away that aren't even my friends yet like I have all my friends in my real life. Apparently I must be too negative, or sick too often for people to like having me around. How can I not be? I've started thinking lately that when I get my next infection(s) that I'm just going to let it go. No matter how painful it is, I'm just going to let it do whatever it wants no matter what the outcome. I don't "want" to die, I just don't want to live this way. I'm an overweight illness ridden woman with 2 kids I can barely take care of like they deserve and a marriage that's already failing at 4 months. I swear I keep pushing people away but then I get all down when they do leave like I expect them to put up with me longer. It hurts to be shunned because I'm a "tainted" person that might infect them or their family. People put on a brave face but you know deep down that as soon as they go home they'll scrub up and throw away their clothes. I can be absolutely blemish free and people still don't trust that I'm safe to be around. So I'm always at home sitting alone, browsing the internet or playing stupid online games because those are the only true friends I have. Being depressed or moody so my husband and my kids end up ignoring me or staying out of my way. I'm a poor excuse for a mother and an even worse wife. When I got this MRSA thing, I had everything going for me in life. I was happier than I had ever been in my entire life. MRSA has destroyed my life, my happiness and my existence. It might as well finish me off.

This is my first time writing but deffinately not my first infection. I'm in so much pain and I keep asking myself why I'm going through this over and over again. I hate hurting and always feeling gross. 2 years ago I got my first infection on my arm. The doctors diagonosed it as a spider bite and cut and drained it, giving me antibiotcs, wrapping it in gauze then sending me on my way. While suffering for 2 nights straight, I woke with my arm swollen 3 times as large as my other and a red line traveling up my arm. I went back to urgent care and was told that I came in right in time because I didn't have a spider bite, I had MRSA. I was put on different antibiotics and left again. The infection went away, but less than a month later I had two more. One on my lower back and one on my side. Again I was put on different antibiotics. One of the doctors did extensive research after I left and came up with numerous antibiotic mixes she could give me that might kill off the colonization on my body. I started using hibaclense, mupirocin ointment, bleaching my sheets every 3 days, cetaphil soap, bleaching the utilities I used...it went away temporarily but then I started getting them on my face. I saw a different doctor who didn't believe it was MRSA and did a culture. Can I tell you that culture on my face was agony!!! The culture came back positive and he put me on another antibiotic while other tests were being ran. It came back that out of all antibiotics that could be used, I have 4 left that can work on the type of MRSA I have. All others have been ruled out. He told me I need to do everything I can to prevent them and to deal with them the best I can until they heal so we can stop using up all of our antibiotic options. I've been doing well with draining them myself, popping mad amounts of ibuprofen and have done really well! But now they're moving to my nose. Anyone who has had a MRSA infection knows that any area it infects is unbearably painful. My infection I currently have is inside my nose. Right on the inside of the nostril next to the tip of my nose. My whole head hurts. My eye hurts. My lip hurts. My gums and even teeth hurt. Sometimes if it gets bad enough, my bones in my whole body hurt. I'm running out of fight for this. I can't take being in pain so much. At the most, I'll get an infection once a month. At the least, once every 2 months. A majority of the time I can't even care for my kids because when they're on my face I just can't function through the pain. I've had all kinds of trials that I have done myself to try and control the infections. Acne washes and creams, tanning (was told UV rays may kill off the colonization) and several different lotions/body washes/ointments. I know exactly when an infection is coming on and without being able to access the infection I can't drain it so the pressure is horrible. I know I'm not the only one going through this but my family doesn't understand. Everytime I tell them I have another infection they roll their eyes now like I'm dirty or crazy. They don't know the pain. So I need help. I need someone to tell me that they know how I feel and that there's hope. I always hear of people talking about an infection that heals then they're fine. I can't understand why mine keep coming back. I'm the cleanest person there is now since I've been going through this. I wash my hands 50 times a day, wash my sheets constantly, towels constantly...I just need support.