AgentKim's Journal

BF and I have been together for 1 year and 2 months now, it may not be a long time but I've known him since I was 14 years old, today I'm 23.

Before I got to know him, all I knew was that he was a confident person who who attractive and had all these ordeals to deal with. Now that I know who he is, I've learned to love him for who he is and everything that he stands for, flaws and all but we've got a huge  pandora's box of issues waiting to explode.

My boyfriend was married for 6 years, he was in love with someone who was at first everything he ever wanted in a woman. Then as the relationship and marriage pressed on he came to find out that she was lacking in self-esteem. She was jealous,overly -- she wanted to go everywhere he went and if he didn't take her, he couldn't go. She argued about everything and in the end she proved that she didn't trust him, and she didn't trust him because she couldnt' trust herself and they both err'd. They both got divorced on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

Bf has been my first solid relationship since my break up with ex in 2005. When we got together he was  very vulnerable but he insisted that eh wanted me in his life. The first 6 months of our relationship was very topsy-turvy and I mean that, he would have these sudden mood swings or go from wanting to see me to not caring if he saw me at all. After his divorce was final though he changed, he opened up but I still think he's very vunerable. He's scared of comittment, he's scared of doing "it" all over again and having it go wrong. I understand that but I can't help but feel frustrated.

He's a very moody person, that's just WHO he is. I don't expect him to change, he never will but in the meantime, I need to subject myself to self-therapy and open up my eyes to trusting myself. I get nervous when he goes out and doesn't call me, I get very upset when he has family over and doesn't invite me. I'm offended by a lot of things and I know that deep inside me I shouldn't be offended. I know him, he's not  a womanizer. He's attractive and friendly, two things that drew me to him instantly, women will look, people will be drawn to him like me. I have to trust him, and I have to trust myself,  trust that I am valuable and important enough to him and to myself.