Journal

I spent the whole weekend with my boyfriend and his parents and it was quite interesting to say the least.

Thursday night I slept over bf's house, I went to work on Friday morning and then got a phone call from my grandmother asking if I could go to NYC to pick my aunt up so she could spend the weekend here. I got out of work early so it wasn't a problem, I just needed a co-pilot so I asked my sister to come along. The ride there wasn't too bad, a little traffic -- nothing that I would scream over and the ride back was the same. Bf's neighbor was getting married so on the way back I kept thinking that I wanted to get there to see what was goin' on -- we got back around 11 or so (we left at quarter past 9) and we hung out until 1 in the morning. Bf was a little on the intoxicated side so I decided to drive his friend home. On the way there, the both of them were  just talking away in the backseat while I was getting aggravated waiting for them to give me directions to Q's house. When we got back home he just laid on the chair and crapped out.

Saturday morning we were supposed to go to the lake but that got cancelled because everyone needed to go to the mall and BF was still hungover. When we got back he was still sleeping. We had pizza for dinner and then I just decided to go home.

Sunday bf came over to my house and hung out for a bit and then he went off to the mall to buy a suit for the wedding, he called me back and said that he wanted to talkand we did. He told me that he wanted me to know that he loved me very much and that commitment is a huge thing for him but that it will happen. He just wants me to be patient. He loves me very much and that's all that matters. He doesn't want to be with anyone else, but me.

He also told me that the reason he kept me so distant from him last weekend was because he was thinking about everything that he had gone thru and how awkward he felt with his family visiting. He felt incomplete and it was hard for him to fathom. Now that I know that, I can mentally prepare myself to understand and take a step back when he's feeling this way. I've never been thru a divorce and god willing I hope I won't ever have to.

BF told me that he's since an amazing change in me, that he loves who I am and how I'm a much more happier person. "I want to be around that for the rest of my life." he says...

BF and I spoke and I guess overall he was just busy over the weekend that's why he didn't invite me over and furthermore the whole deal with the amusement park? He didn't want to go, he was "forced" and I believe him. Now that we talked about it I think more or less he felt bad because of the tangent I went on and that's the worst thing any woman can do to a man, nag. Don't be a nag.

He has no idea that I'm focused on losing weight and have been going to the gym regularly, the irony in that is that his mom knows. Yesterday when I picked her up from work she brought up an incident that occured when her brother came to visit several weeks ago. Her brother told her, "There's six of us and right now I can't stand if one of us goes. You're getting too big. Try and reduce your size." I looked at her and laughed thinking to myself is she trying to say something but I didn't heed any notice. Why should I? I am going to the gym and watching what I'm eating. Anyhow, she said that she's trying to lose weight but it's not working, her weight loss secret though is orange juice and apple cider vinegar. ew. What about less sugar, salt, and exercise?

Anyway, next weekend I'm going to NY with him and his family for the weekend. First time ever.

Feminine grace....feminine grace...feminine grace.

BF and I have been together for 1 year and 2 months now, it may not be a long time but I've known him since I was 14 years old, today I'm 23.

Before I got to know him, all I knew was that he was a confident person who who attractive and had all these ordeals to deal with. Now that I know who he is, I've learned to love him for who he is and everything that he stands for, flaws and all but we've got a huge  pandora's box of issues waiting to explode.

My boyfriend was married for 6 years, he was in love with someone who was at first everything he ever wanted in a woman. Then as the relationship and marriage pressed on he came to find out that she was lacking in self-esteem. She was jealous,overly -- she wanted to go everywhere he went and if he didn't take her, he couldn't go. She argued about everything and in the end she proved that she didn't trust him, and she didn't trust him because she couldnt' trust herself and they both err'd. They both got divorced on grounds of irreconcilable differences.

Bf has been my first solid relationship since my break up with ex in 2005. When we got together he was  very vulnerable but he insisted that eh wanted me in his life. The first 6 months of our relationship was very topsy-turvy and I mean that, he would have these sudden mood swings or go from wanting to see me to not caring if he saw me at all. After his divorce was final though he changed, he opened up but I still think he's very vunerable. He's scared of comittment, he's scared of doing "it" all over again and having it go wrong. I understand that but I can't help but feel frustrated.

He's a very moody person, that's just WHO he is. I don't expect him to change, he never will but in the meantime, I need to subject myself to self-therapy and open up my eyes to trusting myself. I get nervous when he goes out and doesn't call me, I get very upset when he has family over and doesn't invite me. I'm offended by a lot of things and I know that deep inside me I shouldn't be offended. I know him, he's not  a womanizer. He's attractive and friendly, two things that drew me to him instantly, women will look, people will be drawn to him like me. I have to trust him, and I have to trust myself,  trust that I am valuable and important enough to him and to myself.