want2lovelife's Journal

I have been married twice.  My first husband and I met in high school when I was 15 and he was 18.  Soon after we started dating I got pregnant.  My mom was angry at me and him because we did not want to get married. I just could not see myself being married at 15.  She and my boyfriend had some words because he did not want to get married for one thing he did not have a job.  So she tried to stop us from seeing each other. Sometimes, she would get so mad and would say hurtful things to me, and then she would turn around and would be so nice to me. She got married four months after I was born, and her life with my dad has been miserable.  He always cheated on her and had 3 other children.  I have a brother who was born exactly nine months after I was born.  My mother said at one time that she told my dad that he could not see me unless they were married, so she tried that tactic with my boyfriend and it did not work. 

I cannot say that I actually loved my boyfriend. I think because of my self-esteem problem, and him being in the "popular" crowd, was what drew me to him. He was nice to me, but all we did was have sex. He never took me to a movie, just to his house to have sex.  For the first time, I tried smoking dope and drinking. I always thought of myself as being unattractive, but always draw attention from men. To this very day, I don't know what attracts men to me. Maybe, it's because I try to dress well to make up for my other short-comings.

Anyway, back to the beginning, my boyfriend joined the army two months after my 16th birthday and two months later I gave birth to our son. Luckily, our high school had special classes for pregnant girls so I was still able to attend school and graduate with my class. I guess my mother finally realize that we were going to see each other regardless so she finally gave up in trying to stop it. 

Well right after graduation, we decided to get married.  I was 17 and he was 20.  Planning the wedding was a disappointment for me, one thing was my mother made all the plans.  I wanted to have my best friend as my maid of honor, but my mother would not allow it because "she just had a baby the month before".  She never liked my best friend mainly because my mother did not like her mother. (another story).  (my best friend were inseparable from the 4th grade up to high school).  It hurt me to tell her that my younger sister was going to be my maid of honor.  The only thing I chose for the wedding was the colors, the date and helped pick out my dress.  My boyfriend and I had a disagreement about a month before the wedding and I called off the wedding because something just didn't feel right about him.  When I told my mother that the wedding was off, she was furious.  She practically cussed me out and told me that I better marry him. So I did.  The wedding and reception was tacky. I hated it. Our honeymoon was spent at his fathers house, me sitting in a corner while he partied.  After I went back to the bedroom to go to sleep, he came in and had a quickie and went back out to party.

Then about 3 weeks after the wedding, the beatings started.  By the age of 22, I had 2 more children and fought him all through each pregnancy. I forgot to tell you that I started an affair with a good looking neighbor before we were married a year.  This man was so good looking and had a beautiful wife.  I think it was the thrill of knowing another man with a beautiful wife wanted me too and plus he made me feel wanted after the beatings from my husband.   I thought I loved this man but I know he was just an escape from reality. It lasted for about 9 years until I confessed to my husband. He beat me for 2 days. I would leave my husband and move back home to my parents house, and my mother would tell me that I need to go back for the sake of the children.  So I went back and endured more beatings.  To this very day, my mother would say that she did not know that he was beating on me (I would tell her).  She even had to take me to the emergency room one time because he almost ruptured my eardrum. When we got home from the emergency room, my son was crying and my mother said, he missed his daddy.  Well, about a week later, I went back. When I got back home I told my husband that I would kill him if he ever touch me again. I told him that I would let him beat my ass black and blue then I would shoot him right between the eyes and plead self defense. After I collect his insurance money, I would find me a man that would treat me and the children like a man is suppose too.  He never touched me again! But things between us had gotten so bad by then until I planned for months how I would leave him and I did.  Believe it or not, After I left, we became good friends and remain so to this very day.  I value his friendship now.  We talk about everything now, even give advice on each other relationships. Weird!!!

I am tired right now, so tommorrow, I will get to the good part.