Journal

Ok......I ran into an old friend (well ex boyfriend) that I dated when for a few years (we've been broken up for over 10 years now). I was glad that I was looking decent when he saw me and we began to talk just updated each other on what we've been doing for the last 10 years.

 He told me that he had gotten married 5 years ago and he has 3 daughters (the youngest is only 2 weeks old). I was happy to hear that he was doing well but I realized when I got by myself I started to feel sad and alone.

I don't have feelings for this guy but just the thought of him moving on and having a family made me sad. I think I'm sad because it seems as though everyone around me has moved on and have families and lives and it just seems like......i'm stuck!!!!!!

My married friends always tell me that i'm the lucky one but how am I??? They have someone to come home to everyday. They have the emotional support they need when they are having a bad day or feeling blue. They have someone to share their dreams and goals with. Most of all they have someone to have a family and foundation with. So how am I the lucky one?

Well.....I thought my progress was getting better. I felt strong and confident. I felt I could defeat anything and anyone..yeah I felt all of that until last Friday. It seemed like reality set in and I realized that I have lost 8 years of my life dealing with an asshole. I found out (by mistake) that my ex is now in St Louis for the Allstar Game and ironically that is where his ex girlfriend lives. It made me angry and sad and I think that was the reasons for the tears all day Friday. I am now realizing that I was played and I also played myself.

I'm trying not to let it get me down..I have to keep moving forward and never look back. I've met some great people here and I'm glad that I found this place(the website). It's helping me keep my sanity. Just trying to remain positive....that's all.

Well...this weekend I totally felt mentally exhausted. I felt like I needed a break from everything and that my brain couldn't take anything else. Today started out a lil rocky. I went to work and I didn't feel like talking to anyone but then as the day went on I decided that I shouldn't act this way towards my co-workers ( I am usually the happy cheerful one at work). So I began to cheer up a bit but deep inside I still feel such loneliness. I need a vacation... I wish I had the money right now to fly somewhere and just stay in a hotel for a few days. I have a neice in college and I think this weekend I might just drive up and stay a couple of days with her. Seeing here always makes me feel better. (She's like a daughter to me)

Today just felt ok..but I know that it WILL get better with time.