Journal

I have noticed lately that I am really identified with my emotions and that I let this feed off of itself and in essense become me, when that is really not the true me at all. Anger is quick to bubble up inside me, knee jerk reactions before I even realize are the norm, over zealous thoughts about something, being extremely judgemental of others when I have no right to be, thie list goes on and on.......having to be right( thats a big one)

I am constantly milling about the past, wading in happy memories and wallowing in not so happy ones, or I am worrying about the future, or thinking anticipating what the future events with hold.

But it really is all an illusion.

All I have is right now. As I write this. This is my life. The past is gone, the future is unknown.

Why is so hard to live in the present moment?

I've caught glimpses of it and I feel awesomely alive and free.

Free from the bonds on ego, time, problems and just in love with the world and my chance at being a part of it.

I am just amazed at how beautiful life really can be if we stop dwelling or planning and just 

LIVE LIFE.

n o w.

I had my last day of speech class and was siked to see my grade on my "Random Acts of Kindness" persuasive speech, since she remarked that it was a really well done speech when I passed in the outline.

When I got it back I got a C-, for "reading too much of the speech" !

So frustrated, and I felt the speech was wasted on me not being prepared for it because that was the fateful night before that I decided to get smashed with my brother instead of practice my speech.

Basically I could have gotten an A, if I had just practiced instead of drinking.

Yet another drinking escapade to add to my list. ;(

Then I go tell my bf the news, and he knows my history and he says " You really gotta cut down on your drinking"

!!!

Thanks for stating the obvious, Einstein!

Its like telling an obese person, " You know you really just gotta not eat so much!"

I was pissed. It seemed like the most wrong thing to say to me at that moment.

Thanks for the insight, sweetie!

I am not smoking or drinking today and I feel hopeful, a rare emotion for me. What is frustrating is that alcohol and smokes are all around me, I can't escape them. My boyfriend smokes like a chimney and my brother( who I live with) drinks a big bottle of red wine every night. I know I can't change anyone but myself but I just want to get away from it for a while!