Journal

dont know how i feel right now

feel sadness

that i know

feel very very tired

pysically and ye mentally

you see i dont know how to live sanely

yep im enjoyin my new found freedom

and it is freedom

away from the booze

but im not getting much  freedom from my head

lets put it in a nutshell

ive either been drunk or insane and loclked away in nuthouses for the last 9 yrs

so the past 6 mths have been nice

not drunk not in a nuthouse

but ill tell ya wot

me head is goin crackers with god only knows wot feelings

im not sure wot they are meself

i can feel meself detaching slowly from life itself

wamting to isolate or jus sleep anmd sleep some more

hhhmmm feel like im stuck in a rut

not happy at home atm

all he ever does is play on his wow

suits me tho saves me having to talk

i feel lonely

oh so lonely

and i shouldnt cus i have some wonderful friends i have met in the past 6 mths

who invlove me in their lives

and that is nice

feel itchy feet syndrome comin on

but know that will lead to self destruct behaviour.

the urge to run is overwhelming

but i know the consequences of my actions if i do this

so stay put is the answer

hhhmmm

whatever

xxx

fear

what a horrible word

and also a beautiful one

strange person you may ask

yep i am strange

fear is wot makes us be human

fear is all powerfull and consuming

IF YOU LET IT

so simple as

dont let it affect your life

feal the fear and do it anyway

after all wot do you have to lose

and looka t wot you have to gain

the gaines are simple

you get peace and serenity in your life

so as i say

FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY

had a very good meeting tonight

realised wot has been bugin me recently

all i have known for the past 9 yrs is drunk or insanity usually followed by being incarcerated in a pysch hosp

 and you know wot

for the past 5+months i have been both sober and sane. and it has felt weird. weird but good

and what am i so fearfull about. let me tell you. the unknown. simple aint it. about to start my step 4. ha hum made a fearless and searching moral inventory of meself

of course im bloody fearfull

after all who wants to write down all their wrongs

and admit it to someone else

ill tell you who does

this alchaholic does

simple as

xxx

wot is the truth

even i dont know

i know my head is goin funny

i know i feel weird

wot is weird

define fine

i know im not fine

i know im not on ma pity pot

i know i am allowe to feel

might not like where my feeling s take me

but its not good at all to look in the mirror and not recognise your face

outside on your own its such a scary place

the answers are all inside of me

all i got to do is beleive

to beleive is to be true to yourself

to be honest with yourself

well can i be absolutly honest with mysel

ye

i dont feel very good and not sure why

my head is takin me somewhere and im not 100percent sure where

i know one thing

ive never had such a long time of bein mentally stable

and tbh i dont actually feel ver mentally stable atm

my sh thoughts are gettn out of control

at least they are thoughts

and not actions

yes i have sh twice jus recently

but that is all

i know one ting

i do not want a drink

so that is good

i cant live my life on what ifs

what if

simple as really

i cant hand over this shit in ma head

its not a simple as that

i dont feel at peace

not sure why

i feel very very estless

and i think if one more person says to me

oh claire you are doing really realy well

im gonna scream at them fxxk off

simple as

the voices in ma head are strong

bu they are very jumbled and i cant make out what exactly thety are saying

all i know is i dont feel right

abd that scare me

simple as

xx