Journal

I didn't sleep well last night. I had to keep waking up to make sure that my mother was ok. My family is going to be very angry once they hear that she tried to overdose and that it might have been my fault. I wish that I could just take my stuff and leave but I don't have the money to do so. I receive a check every month but most of it goes to credit card bills.

I wonder if I should just take a few things and leave and never come back? But where would I go and where would I stay? I feel like I am trapped.

Things are really not going well.

Today I spent the day going to thrift stores trying to look for a desk that I could use in my new room. I've decided to move in with my Grandmother, who rents a house from my mother, because my other living arrangements have become to strained that I can't keep living with my mother. I was doing fine until my older brother moved back in last month.

A week and a half ago I blew up at him and threatened to call the police and have him arrested after he had threatened me with a knife. I'm not what sure what his motive was but after I told him that I was thinking about having him arrested he tried to tell my mother that I had made it all up. He is a very aggresive person and had already been arrested once for domestic violence.

Now I'm going to be living with my Grandmother. However, my uncle who also has anger issues and who believes that my mother and her family are all losers visits my Grandmother everyday. Which means that I am going to have to see him everyday and deal with any nasty comments that he may make.

My stress levels are through the roof and I often get frustrated with myself for not being able to hold for not being able to handle these situations easily. I often feel weak for letting myself get walked on but having asthma it is hard for me to defend myself when I constantly feel like I am short of breath.

At any rate I had any argument with my mother today, who is the only person that I can talk to without having to constantly use my asthma inhaler, and I happened to tell her that she had no idea how it felt to take the pills that I take and feel the stigma that everyone with this disease feels when we are out in the world. She got angry and took the remaining 6mg of Klonopin that I had in my medicine cabinet in an attempt to prove to me that taking the pills are not that big of a deal. She is now passed out on the couch and I am watching her to make sure that she doesn't stop breathing even though I've read that 6mg is not really enough to overdose on.

The last time I remember being totally happy in life was at age ten. I do have things to be appreciative of but the things that I hate the most about life always seem to make their way into my thoughts and I often find myself dwelling on them.