Journal

I am having a bad FM day today but I have more of them than good days.  I still feel exhausted after more than eight hours in bed, I can't say I received eight hours of sleep because I toss and turn constantly to try to ease the pressure of lying down on my body.  I woke up this morning with both arms numb and the back of my head tender and sore.  As soon as I put my feet on the floor they started to ache not to say they didn't hurt before I put them down.  My little ones, Keilen-3 and Brynn-11 months, were both still asleep so I waited up stairs until they both woke up so that I would not have to suffer the stairs more than absolutely necessary today.  My husband, Tommy, was already up and about and he still doesn't really understand my FM so I don't ask him help the little ones in the morning because it doesn't hurt any more for me to just wait upstairs a little longer to start my day.  I cooked a late breakfast for everyone and then start straightening up the house a little because we are expecting someone to come by.  I then sit down in my favorite spot on the sofa and put my feet up and listen to my husband complain that I don't keep a close enough eye on the little ones while they are playing and my response is that he has two eyes in his head that work just as good as mine.  I don't see why I should be completely responsible for looking after them on his days off after all we are both in the same room with throughout most of the day.  I am still breastfeeding my daughter several times a day, she was born premature and with ankyloglossia complete (tongue-tied from the tip of her tongue to the top of her gum line and had two corrective procedures before she was two months old and she was never able to use a bottle because she could not compress the nipple with her tongue and was not able to controll the flow of milk well) she has since been diagnosed with other oral motor deficiencies (for which she receives speech therapy two days a week) and sensory integration disorders (for which she receives occupational therapy an additional two days a week).  Breastfeeding her is still more important to her development than my comfort so at this time I am unable take more that Acetaminophen or Ibuprofen for my pain which does not provide any relief.  My 3 y/o also has mild sensory integration disorder (for which he does not yet receive therapy for) and he also has behavioral problems (also not receiving therapy for).  Our pediatrician does not feel that his is severe enough to warrant therapy (I'm working on changing that opinion).  Keeping track of him often feels like a full time job.  We are currently trying to potty train him but if we put him in training pants or even underwear he will wet himself and if we leave him naked he will use the potty with no accidents.  I have not mentioned my older son yet because he does not live with me.  This is because we had to move last year because of my husband's job (it was getting to expensive for him to commute every day) and Camdyn, my 15 y/o, threatened to run away or kill himself if I made him move, so it was in everyone's best interest to let him move in with my mother.  The only problem is that my mother does not agree with several doctor's that he needs treatment for his Asperger's and clinical depression.  It became so stressful for me that I had a flare up of my FM and started losing my hair.  At this point we are not even speaking because Camdyn does not want treatment and my mother doesn't think he needs it.  She even went so far as to accuse me of falsifying medical records which was found to be untrue.  I know that if I could get him into some sort of treatment program that I would be able to get him home with me but without the support of my mother that will never happen.  But I digress.  My daughter's OT suggested that I join a support group but since I live in a small rural community the only option is an online one and here at DS I found groups that fit all of my needs.