Journal

I really struggled this past year trying to deal with all the blows and the final blow my husband threw at me, his affiar.  I really meant what I told him right after it...he signed our divorce papers the night he spent with that woman.  It was his choice and he made it. 

He realizes I filed for divorce for real.  After I submitted the last set of forms he changed his tune.  Now he is begging me not to go through with it.  He say's he finally realizes how much I mean to him, how much he loves me and needs me.  He say's "we can get divorced anytime!"  I say "we can get remarried anytime!"  I don't think it really has anything to do with his enheretance but it might.  I just don't know.  I think he is just so afraid of losing me he can't stand it.  He can't stand the thought of me being with another man.  He found out I have a male friend too and that didn't go over so well.  What does he expect.

I spent all year stressing, obsesssing and being sick because of his affair.  He still refuses to tell me the truth.  I finally got to the point where I excepted everything and I thought we were on the same page.  We would get the divorce and move into separate houses as soon as it was financially feasible.  The finacially feasible may come with the enheretance and I think it scares him even more now that he will have to share it with me and I will have the means to move. 

Why is he manipulating me again, now?  He's throughing everything at me.  Trying to confuse me again.  I started chatting with people, feeling semi alive again.  Why does he want to ruin it for me.  He say's we haven't tried counseling yet or anything to save our marriage.  I begged him for months to send me/us to counseling, he didn't do it.  That's why I joined DS so that I could have some type counseling.  Hell, the best medicine I found so far was the attention from other men.  Yes, I'm getting hits already and I'm not even divorced yet.  It feels so good!  I'm trying to be very careful but it's getting hard to detour men.  I still don't ever want to have an affair on the person I'm with so I'm getting ansy for the divorce.  It's been so much better for me.  I haven't obsessed over my h and the other woman since I began showing interest to other men.  It really diverted my thinking process.  I'm looking out for myself better.  Worrying about myself more, loving myself more.  And he wants me to give it up now and stay with him.  I told him I don't think I want to give it up.  He set me back while he was trying to manipulate me into stopping the divorce.  I walked around with this constant pained looked on my face and the stress showing through again.  It's ugly!  I don't want to look that way again.  I don't want to go back again...ever.  Those were the worse years of my life and I don't ever want to be that stressed and sick again.  He will only bring it back, I'm sure of it.  I just don't think he can make me happy like he say's he can.  He really wants me to give him another chance....?

I just don't know what to do.  He thoughs stuff at me like till death do us part and we've been together our hole life, were sole mates, etc., etc.  He know's how committed I was.  Yes, I believe in working out marriages rather than giving up.  But how much is one person supposed to take?  I worked and supported a family of five while he did whatever he wanted or came up everyday for him.  I took care of the house, the kids, him, everything.  He screwed around on me right from the beginning of our relationship, right to the end.  And with a friend!  As sick as I was!  How dare him beg me now...how dare him!

That marriage is dead!  He has to except that.  I told him if he ever wants me back, he has to prove hisself to me and everyone else that he can change and it will take time and alot of effort on his part.  He can't do it overnight.  He seems to think so though.  He thinks he learned his leason right after he got busted with her.  Sometimes I really honestly do believe him and feel sorry for him.  I honestly do think he would be faithful, for awhile.  Till times got tuff again, then I don't think he would be able to help himself.  Besides, I will never fully trust him.  And I don't think he will ever trust me.  He never has and I never did anything to give him reason not to.

Love is crasy.  I don't want to be in love with another man, not for a long time.  It hurts to much and I'm not sure I will ever trust another man as long as I live.  I couldn't trust my husband of almost 30 years and he has been the closest man to me my whole life.  Jesus, I'm not sure my own father was even faithful or if any man can be...that's sad!  But that is how I feel.  I'm sure it is the bitterness talking but I wonder. 

I don't know...I just wish he would cooperate with me.  He say's if I don't stop the divorce he will fight me to the end and spend every dime he gets trying to contest the divorce.  God, I hope he doesn't do something like that, it would be stupid.  It's a chance for a new start for him and me.  I know divorces usually end bitterly but damn it, why can't he just except it and part with me as friends at least.  I don't want to hurt him.  I think if I stayed with him I would.  I most likely wouldn't be able to contain myself and I would always being throughing remarks at him about HER.  I think I will end up being just like him, having affairs on him because I'm not happy.  I can't resort to that.  I can't do that to myself.  No matter how bad I want to.  He seems to think we could work it out and it almost sounded like he was excepting the fact of me even having an affair if it happened.  Oooh, shivers....I don't think so!  No, I think and hope I'm doing the right thing.  Am I?  Should I stay married?  Should I try again?  Am I being foolish for giving up on my marriage?  Should I stick it out to the end?  Could he make me happy?  He seems to think so now that he has money coming.  Should I give him another chance?