MorriganOfTheFay's Journal

My fiance has been home less than two weeks.

We made a lot of progress since then. I thought things were getting better. He pissed it away in one night. Now I don't even know if I want him anymore.

He got drunk two nights ago. He didn't feel up to driving <25 minutes to my house, but felt up to driving an hour to his folks' place, where he proceeded to go out with his brother, overdraft his bank account, and get so drunk he had no idea what he was doing.

He called me up. Started screaming at me. Started saying that I was selfish and greedy because I was demanding respect. He said I was being whiny and emotional when I told him I didn't feel loved or appreciated. He got angry and broke up with me. He left me a sobbing, screaming, crying mess at 1:30 am.

He woke up the next morning and called me. He was happy, called me 'baby,' and wanted to talk to me. I asked him what his deal was, explained what happened, and he said, "I didn't break up with you." Apparently because he was so drunk and he couldn't remember what he did or said, it's ok. He considers us to still be together. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore or not.

There for a while, he was writing girls from Craigslist. Responding to casual sex ads with his picture and phone number. Did it from November 2008 to March 2009. I recently found this out. I know he was carrying on behind my back with one girl through the phone and email for a month.

In early February, I became pregnant. Took three urine pregnancy tests. I called Ryan to tell him the news. He was too busy drinking and partying with his friends. He became angry with me, and he told me some terrible things. "I don't love you, I don't care about you, I don't want to be with you. I don't give a f**k if you're pregnant because you'll probably just abort it anyways. Leave me alone."  I packed my things up and went home. I didn't speak to him or see him for two weeks. He'd call my phone off the hook and accuse me of cheating when I just wanted to be left alone.

I miscarried in the middle of March. I'm still in a lot of pain from it. The physical pain is gone, but emotionally I feel numb. I feel like it was my fault, like if I wasn't sick, if my body was strong, it wouldn't have happened. I feel like part of me died that day. He claims to have acknowledged it, but he has not once sat down and talked to me about the pregnancy or the miscarriage. I still have so much anger and resentment in me because of that.

He keeps saying I need to learn to forgive and forget. I will never forget. I am not ready to forgive. It's all still too painful for me to deal with.

He sits there and claims he loves me. Even after he dumped me when he was drunk, he claims to want to work things out. He said, "I don't remember doing it, so it didn't happen. I didn't dump you." I don't know anymore.

He was supposed to be here about 12 hours ago. I haven't heard hide or hair from him today. He's starting all of this bad shit again and I can't take it anymore. I'm so miserable and unhappy. I am so tired of being angry all the time. I am so sick of his bulls**t excuses.

I feel like I'm being used. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.