MorriganOfTheFay's Journal

I don't understand it.

I had my ESWL procedure a week ago tomorrow and I'm still hurting. My bruises are finally starting to show.

I still need pain medicine, and the only time I feel relief anymore is when I'm asleep.. I can barely move. I don't think it's an infection; the doctor I had was fabulous, and put me on a Cipro drip to help prevent infection. I still feel terrible and I don't know what to do.

Everyone keeps telling me, "Well xyz is going on, so you shouldn't be hurting."

I doubt myself. I start thinking, "Is this all in my head?" but I gently caress my left side and it still hurts. I still can't lay on it.

My fiance, Ryan, comes home from sea tomorrow. I was almost thankful he was away because of how bad a shape I was in after surgery. I know he loves me, but he would have been scared with seeing me that way. I also asked my father to go to work that day, that my mum would attend to me. My father is not fond of hospitals, due to my grandfather having a near-fatal heart attack when he was a teenager. I think he would've been upset too.

I'm afraid. They used to slap my back at work, supervisors and managers, when I would repeatedly ask them to stop and keep their hands to themselves. I partially blame them for my problems, because I didn't start hurting bad until they'd start slapping my back. It's been the same for years. I barely get to hug my mother because she's afraid she's going to hurt me. My dad doesn't reach out to hug me anymore, and is afraid to even touch me.

I'm afraid I'm going to go back to work and they're going to hurt me. I shouldn't be afraid. I can barely stand for half an hour, and my boss gave me more hours only after I started to get sick. Maybe she was just trying to get me to quit, for what reason I don't know.

I just want to feel better. I don't want to be on medication. If I had my way, I wouldn't be sick at all. I am so angry and frustrated with it all, and I miss having lost about half of my life.

I start seeing an endocrinologist in September, and I'm getting in to see my Nephrologist again. 10 unreturned phonecalls and I drop that I had surgery and suddenly, they're paying attention to me. I had a blood test, and my thyroid or parathyroid is overactive.

I'm scared. Is it my para/thyroid effecting my kidneys? Is it my kidneys effecting my para/thyroid? Will I ever be able to live a normal life?

I don't really have any friends, save a close few. Most people have seen me get sick, and either think I'm doing it for attention or don't want to deal with it.

I'm a good person. I try to be. Why is it, when I tell my so-called-friends about my illness and my struggle, I'm treated like a leper? Why doesn't anyone understand that I just want to be normal?

I fear that I won't be able to have children. I fear I can't carry a pregnancy to term. Ryan is ok with that, but I would feel somewhat less of a woman if I couldn't give him a child one day. I fear that if I do go to have a baby, it'll grow up and be sick like me and have to go through everything I've been through, miss out on all I've missed out on. If I can't have a baby, would it be something that I would be secretly resented for by my family and his family?

I know I'm kind of putting the cart before the horse, but I worry about this all the time. I feel like all I know anymore are doctors and nurses, surgeries and procedures. I don't feel like I'm living my life at all. I feel like a lab rat, something to run experiments on. And I am so tired.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Why am I still hurting?