Journal

My fiance has been home less than two weeks.

We made a lot of progress since then. I thought things were getting better. He pissed it away in one night. Now I don't even know if I want him anymore.

He got drunk two nights ago. He didn't feel up to driving <25 minutes to my house, but felt up to driving an hour to his folks' place, where he proceeded to go out with his brother, overdraft his bank account, and get so drunk he had no idea what he was doing.

He called me up. Started screaming at me. Started saying that I was selfish and greedy because I was demanding respect. He said I was being whiny and emotional when I told him I didn't feel loved or appreciated. He got angry and broke up with me. He left me a sobbing, screaming, crying mess at 1:30 am.

He woke up the next morning and called me. He was happy, called me 'baby,' and wanted to talk to me. I asked him what his deal was, explained what happened, and he said, "I didn't break up with you." Apparently because he was so drunk and he couldn't remember what he did or said, it's ok. He considers us to still be together. I don't know if I want to be with him anymore or not.

There for a while, he was writing girls from Craigslist. Responding to casual sex ads with his picture and phone number. Did it from November 2008 to March 2009. I recently found this out. I know he was carrying on behind my back with one girl through the phone and email for a month.

In early February, I became pregnant. Took three urine pregnancy tests. I called Ryan to tell him the news. He was too busy drinking and partying with his friends. He became angry with me, and he told me some terrible things. "I don't love you, I don't care about you, I don't want to be with you. I don't give a f**k if you're pregnant because you'll probably just abort it anyways. Leave me alone."  I packed my things up and went home. I didn't speak to him or see him for two weeks. He'd call my phone off the hook and accuse me of cheating when I just wanted to be left alone.

I miscarried in the middle of March. I'm still in a lot of pain from it. The physical pain is gone, but emotionally I feel numb. I feel like it was my fault, like if I wasn't sick, if my body was strong, it wouldn't have happened. I feel like part of me died that day. He claims to have acknowledged it, but he has not once sat down and talked to me about the pregnancy or the miscarriage. I still have so much anger and resentment in me because of that.

He keeps saying I need to learn to forgive and forget. I will never forget. I am not ready to forgive. It's all still too painful for me to deal with.

He sits there and claims he loves me. Even after he dumped me when he was drunk, he claims to want to work things out. He said, "I don't remember doing it, so it didn't happen. I didn't dump you." I don't know anymore.

He was supposed to be here about 12 hours ago. I haven't heard hide or hair from him today. He's starting all of this bad shit again and I can't take it anymore. I'm so miserable and unhappy. I am so tired of being angry all the time. I am so sick of his bulls**t excuses.

I feel like I'm being used. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do.

I don't understand it.

I had my ESWL procedure a week ago tomorrow and I'm still hurting. My bruises are finally starting to show.

I still need pain medicine, and the only time I feel relief anymore is when I'm asleep.. I can barely move. I don't think it's an infection; the doctor I had was fabulous, and put me on a Cipro drip to help prevent infection. I still feel terrible and I don't know what to do.

Everyone keeps telling me, "Well xyz is going on, so you shouldn't be hurting."

I doubt myself. I start thinking, "Is this all in my head?" but I gently caress my left side and it still hurts. I still can't lay on it.

My fiance, Ryan, comes home from sea tomorrow. I was almost thankful he was away because of how bad a shape I was in after surgery. I know he loves me, but he would have been scared with seeing me that way. I also asked my father to go to work that day, that my mum would attend to me. My father is not fond of hospitals, due to my grandfather having a near-fatal heart attack when he was a teenager. I think he would've been upset too.

I'm afraid. They used to slap my back at work, supervisors and managers, when I would repeatedly ask them to stop and keep their hands to themselves. I partially blame them for my problems, because I didn't start hurting bad until they'd start slapping my back. It's been the same for years. I barely get to hug my mother because she's afraid she's going to hurt me. My dad doesn't reach out to hug me anymore, and is afraid to even touch me.

I'm afraid I'm going to go back to work and they're going to hurt me. I shouldn't be afraid. I can barely stand for half an hour, and my boss gave me more hours only after I started to get sick. Maybe she was just trying to get me to quit, for what reason I don't know.

I just want to feel better. I don't want to be on medication. If I had my way, I wouldn't be sick at all. I am so angry and frustrated with it all, and I miss having lost about half of my life.

I start seeing an endocrinologist in September, and I'm getting in to see my Nephrologist again. 10 unreturned phonecalls and I drop that I had surgery and suddenly, they're paying attention to me. I had a blood test, and my thyroid or parathyroid is overactive.

I'm scared. Is it my para/thyroid effecting my kidneys? Is it my kidneys effecting my para/thyroid? Will I ever be able to live a normal life?

I don't really have any friends, save a close few. Most people have seen me get sick, and either think I'm doing it for attention or don't want to deal with it.

I'm a good person. I try to be. Why is it, when I tell my so-called-friends about my illness and my struggle, I'm treated like a leper? Why doesn't anyone understand that I just want to be normal?

I fear that I won't be able to have children. I fear I can't carry a pregnancy to term. Ryan is ok with that, but I would feel somewhat less of a woman if I couldn't give him a child one day. I fear that if I do go to have a baby, it'll grow up and be sick like me and have to go through everything I've been through, miss out on all I've missed out on. If I can't have a baby, would it be something that I would be secretly resented for by my family and his family?

I know I'm kind of putting the cart before the horse, but I worry about this all the time. I feel like all I know anymore are doctors and nurses, surgeries and procedures. I don't feel like I'm living my life at all. I feel like a lab rat, something to run experiments on. And I am so tired.

I just want to be normal. I don't want to hurt anymore.

Why am I still hurting?

My mother and I went to get my Percocet refilled at a Walgreens pharmacy tonight, and I was treated like a drug abuser and a drug dealer!

I will be writing more about this later, as is naptime, but please please please! Do not give them your hard earned money!