tarantula's Journal

It`s my 39th birthday today and i`ve had a really lovely day. My daughter has made me six cards bless her !!Got some lovely presies...a miniture rose bush..daffy duck boxer shorts..cookies..kickboxing pads and more, i feel very spoilt !! At lunchtime we went for a meal, my mum, the kids and me it was really nice we had steaks...i love steak !!Still went kickboxing tonight though i`m keeping up with the routine. I had a 24 hour bug on sunday and didn`t get online for a couple of days. I smoked on Monday and again today...using the whole birthday thing as an excuse, but no i don`t intend on smoking again on a regular basis. I am however totaly demoralised with counting the days...it feels like i`m just going round in circles so no more counting, i`m just going to write my journal completely honestly and try to do what i need to do to keep clean and not beat myself up if i make mistakes. Theres nothing worse than repeatedly getting to say `day nine` then having a few puffs on a joint in a moment of madness, then being right the way back to square one again, it doesn`t work for me anymore, i just keep feeling like a failure all the time. Anyway just wanted to check in and update !!