tarantula's Journal

I cant believe i`ve screwed up again. I need to get this down in words. Yesterday was really testing for me, it was the first time i have been to the beach as an adult and not enjoyed a spliff. It felt like a part of me was missing and although we had a pretty good day i couldn`t get smoking out of my head and i felt slightly irritated most of the day, it seemed as though my perfect day was incomplete. Today i woke up grumpy and tearful. My ex partner of 17 years, father of my children, who i split with 3 months ago was due round to collect some furniture and stuff at 1 o`clock. By 12 o`clock i had convinced myself that i couldn`t cope without a spliff so i went to a neighbour who smokes and got a joint off her, it was sooo good. I chilled out straight away, gone were the tears and the upset. My ex took his stuff but also left me a couple of joints ! I smoked another one and pretty much whitied (sweats, shakes had to lay down etc.,) my body wasn`t used to it after a couple of weeks without. Then my son found the weed and was really upset with me for smoking again, he made a huge deal of it which his little sister overheard and they both convinced me how stupid i was being and talked me into giving what was left to my neighbour. I felt so guilty as my kids were really hurt and disappointed in me smoking.

As for me what can i say, i feel useless and pathetic, i use it as my crutch - when my life depends on me not smoking. I go from doing really well for weeks and then just cave in at the first opportunity ... I`M SOOO MAD WITH MYSELF, I`M SUCH A BLOODY IDIOT i can`t believe i`ve gone and messed up yet again, will i never learn ?, will i never be truly free of the stupid weed ?