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tarantula 
5:01pm, July 25, 2009
I`m back to counting the days purely because i don`t know what else to do. I somehow have got back into the habit and have spent most of the last week stoned. I do want to fight this and beat this addiction but i feel at a loss because every time i psyche myself up for being drug free i fail. I rant and rave on here, make promises and declarations that at the time i feel i can achieve then go away and screw it all up. I know this site is for people with problems but how many times do i have to fail before i find the true strength to achieve ? I havent smoked weed today, i have smoked baccy though in a vain attempt to stop the craving for weed. Even my drug worker is bored to tears with me now, what can anyone say, you all offer me you`re full support and then i go and smoke again...i`m bored of me too !! I`m also getting more and more disheartened as time goes by. I wonder if i should just shut up and be a toker..but in reality my health just wont allow that. I feel damned if i smoke and damned if i dont. I`m going to be honest and say that i hate my life, ive tried to think positive and take a leaf out of some very brave people on here`s books but after a week or so without my crutch i get so down with it all that i wonder what is the point to my life, then to alleviate that feeling i smoke and then things dont seem so bad, i can just get on with it, but i then suffer from guilt because of my emphysema and the fact that ive let my addiction win.. again.
Where will it all end...am i the only person who keeps screwing up ? I feel so alone.
I am trying my best but it just isn`t good enough. So back to day one drug free. I dont know what i can do differently and i have no tricks left up my sleeve to help me cope with the down days. I am at the mercy of myself... me, my own worst enemy.
Comments
i need to have this feeling down in words. My body feels weak and shaky theres no strength in my arms writing this my hands are shaking and its a struggle not to just go and lie down until it wears off. All the energy has drained my body. My heart is racing. My breathing is heavy.I`m physicaly trembling all over. My head is aching and my mind feels cloudy and confused. My thoughts are trying to flit from one thing to another and its hard staying focused and remember why i`m writing this. There are no words to come out of my mouth. Feel dumb ...and numb. Does it feel nice ? NO I just want it to wear off so i can feel energy, motivation, conversation, no headache, strength back in my body and breathing easier. What is it i think is so good about feeling like this that i crave it so much when i dont have it ? Why am i so scared off the bad feelings that also come with reality ?
ANOTHER DAY WITHOUT SMOKING
Comments
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Yay! (applause!) Way to go! Hugs, Sue
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That is great ... one day at a time......you can do it. ((( HUGS )))) Julie
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Keep it up! Wonderful news...
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Smiles.....And feeling good about it I see!!! Excellent....Love and Blessings Girl....Serenity
Past Entries
Awww Hon I am sorry your finding yourself having to begin again...Hugs...Even sorrier that your feeling down on yourself...Never a good feeling....Something you said struck me....Just a thought but you know what I have noticed...You get to that same point each time you begin again....You said after a week or so without the weed you get to feeling down....(not a good feeling at all) So you turn back to the weed to get past the feeling....Now here is my thought....If you can just set yourself up with something else....knowing that this period is going to hit in about a week....I don't know...Extra time at the gym...A little gift of love to yourself of some sort....A day in the sun...Just something new to help alleviate that feeling without feeling a need to turn to the pot....Sort of like replacing a less then healthy habit with a new healthier one that you will enjoy just as much....Don't know if this realization helps any....I hope so....I am proud of you for picking your butt back up and choosing to start again! Hugs, Love and Many Blessings, Serenity
serenitysun
Can you identify the thought process that you went through that led up to your relapse? If you can do that, then you can gain some valuable insight about what makes you start. The trick here is to learn to avoid "stinkin' thinkin'". Sometimes we are convinced that there was no thought involved at all, but there was. Take a look at that and see what you come up with. I know that you have the resources to be a success at this.
One comment that I used to hear around AA meetings was that some who who relapsed would say that going to a meeting had the power to ruin a good drunk! I think that's what you are feeling here. You've taken a start at recovery, and you know a lot more about it, so you don't enjoy toking up as much. Bummer, isn't it?
But - when you start not enjoying it, there is real hope that you can turn that into a triumph!
I'm still very hopeful that you can do this. Don't be down on yourself, be down on the addiction.
Love you much, Sue
Sue825
Hang in there....you can beat this. Find your strength in your higher power and give it over to them. The 1st step is admitting you are powerless over Marijuana. Think on that long and hard and when you are ready...give it over to God.
Maat2008
Have you given thought to an inpatient detox? Maybe 3 - 7 days.......with counseling after your leave? I would love for you to finally be able to do something and just maybe you need a little bit of help in the beginning. We have NA and AA here in the states - do you have that there?
I wish you the best.....Hugs, Julie in Southern California.
Julie2009