Journal

 Got a job counseled the other day otherwise known as a reprimand.  As a manager I am on a salary and work 50 to 55 hours a week.  I know I signed up for this.  Advised my general manager I would be in at 4 instead of 1.  He stated "ok".  When I got in I was told I would be "counseled" on this to be consist with the other managers.  Two days later I am "counseled" with the general manager and the owner of the restaurant.  Not only am I reminded of my tardiness but also am told that I made a incorrect decision I made after following suit of the Asst. GM and told that "my attitude" is not one of happiness and hospitality.

I am pressured in to explaining "why" I was late as I told them it was a family emergency and did not choose to discuss it with them.  They keep asking me about this until I teared up.  I work in  a male dominanted field and the owner is not a compassionate individual at all.  Infact, very unapproachable and a bully.  I feel as though they contridicted themselves by stating I was an emotional person but then stated I did not convey an "appearance" of happiness and hospitality.  Infact, prior I was told to not talk to guests of the restaurant.  Feel I turn left--I am wrong; I turn right--I am wrong; I stand still-- I am wrong. 

Just needed to vent!!

I will not give them permission to make me feel inferior.

Working through this. Just slightly irriated with the whole relationship thing.  Keep putting myself out there only to find I keep getting step on (emotionally).  If I am myself which I view myself as basically a nice person, the world as a whole views it as a weakness and proceed to shread me.  I get tired. So should I just switch to being a bit_h which seems to attract someone?  I could not do this if I tried--being a bit_h all the time.  Not my nature.  I just get tired of the game.  Never played it well.  Still at my age just not able to.  Been told I have a serious card--guess I will just have to deal.  Huh--a pun!  Miss the conversation of someone.  The companionship.  Work different hours which works against me to have a regular group of friends.  Started back to church but it is so big I feel I get lost in the shuffle.  Join a divorce care support group.  This helps but still feel outside.

I will snap out of this just needed to vent a little.

Attended my third class at church this evening for divorce care.  I missed the first two so we are on chapter five--loniless.  The lesson gave me alot of insight as to how I feel and some tools to use so I do not get into a emotion rut.  They mentioned this site so that is why I decided to sign up.  Joined Facebook a couple of months ago and it as started to become annoying.