Journal

Today I told him, that he should sign the papers.

I left him last year in October. After two years of verbal/emotional/mental abuse, I'd lost my love and motivation to be married and I left.

I've been living with my boyfriend for about 6 months.. I know I know, jump jump. I managed to stay single for a few years before I met my husband- and meeting my boyfriend was not premeditated. I am co-dependent but not in the sense that I need physical love, just in the sense that in the past I've lost myself in someone else due to lack of assertion of my own needs and fear of abandonment. 

Coming from a grossly alcoholic family background, I'm lucky that I escaped with the wherewithal to recognize and try to adapt to my down falls.

The kicker is, I feel guilty for ending things with my husband. We share a 2 year old daughter. He has gone through and continues to go through counseling, and is medicated for his depression. He likes to think and say that he is better- improved- fixed.. but over the last 9 months he's still shown signs of being the same old guy. 

He went to such lengths to get me back.. but they were not admirable lengths. He made up a story about having a girlfriend to try and make me jealous. It wasn't just a story though.. it was a fake email address, emails from 'her' telling me what a shitty person and wife I was for moving on before I was officially divorced when my husband was trying so hard to be a good man now. Hell I even got emails about how "mind blowing" the sex was.

He LIVED the lie. His mom, my sister, his counselor, all thought he was dating and seeing this girl. He didn't just tell me, he told everyone. I just found out last week and I'm floored. He's always been an ass and a liar but this was too much.. the strange part is he came clean to me! I didn't believe him. I figured he was just trying to manipulate my emotions again, but he gave me the password to the email he'd created (as her) and there were all of the emails he'd sent. He'd even saved me in the contacts as "bitch". It was a nearly daily basis that I was a bitch or a cunt while we were married.

Another kick in the pants is that my bf drinks daily- not enough to seem altered or drunk, but enough to make this child of several alcoholics feel uncomfortable. I've discussed this with him and he said he'd cut back but so far hasn't. We're going to visit his parents this weekend and the only perk is that they don't approve of drinking either, so at the very least I'll have an alcohol free weekend.

I don't know whether to scrach my watch or wind my ass these days.

Basically, if he doesn't cut back or quit- I'm outta here. I don't want my x as a fall back guy, so I cut him loose. I've been very ill so I have to have a bit of recovery time to get my poop in a pile. I'm facing a lot of life altering choices and it's god damned scary. 

After everything I've been through in my life, I finally find a partner who is loving and respectful, and he's a drinker.

Pre-programming would tell you that we sought each other out for our particular disorders..

Jesus life is complicated.