Join Now
cookiem 
12:34pm, September 15, 2009
I am trying very very hard to live this myself but here goes-
A small trouble is like a pebble. Hold it close to your eyes and it puts everything out of focus. Hold it at a proper distance and it can be examined and properly classified. Throw it at your feet and it can be seen in its true setting, just one more tiny bump in the pthway of life.
Many bumps have been happening and I am so desperately trying to look at them that way. My daughter needs to find her way, that will make me happy. My illness (All) continues to hold me a prisoner and a patient. I have continued to push people away, I feel like a burden. I long for the day when I can just forget about it. Will that ever happen? I have been extremely moody and argumentaive because I feel so alone and trapped. I need some joy and fun in my life and I do not have any control over that right now. Lastnight my vomiting returned, I wonder if it is the Boniva. I got off the Fosamx and I am afraid that the Boniva will give me the same terrible complications. What to do? It is always a catch 22 for me. I do not want to go to the dark side but my symptoms seem to always be something devastating. How do you think positive when the negative is always right in front of you?
Tomorrow is another day - bring me hope.
Comments
It's always difficult to think positive when the negative situations are staring at you right in the face. ALWAYS. I'm pretty sure that's the way it is for everybody, including myself. But, I try my best to identify the good things in situations. Even if I have to dig deep, deep down, there will always be at least ONE positive aspect.
There are times at night when I wake up and cry, just because I'd feel sad, angry, heck, sometimes I cry because I'm happy. Gosh, I'm not joying over life ALL the time. Sometimes I just gotta' 'let it out'.
Going through this will be bittersweet, just the way everything else in life is. But, hey, Cookiem, you've went through it all once, and you can do it again.
Maegie
Feeling positive is hard,I try my best but things get in the way, things go wrong more than right sometimes (well most time it seems) so I think its only natural, all we can do is try our best. Sometimes I write down the positives and negatives and try to get more positives, rather difficult. But there will always be something positive to write down if you try hard enough!
As for the bisphosphonates, I cant take any of them, Im not taking anything at the moment, just on a very good diet and trying to get plenty of excercise, and taking vitamins. I hate all those drugs.I cant find a good one.
Hang in there, you can do it.
bonnytiz
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest words. I do have a grateful journal of sorts and I do try to think positive everyday In every instance I try to find something positive out of the seemingly negative. But, and a BIG BUT, bad things continue to come my way and I have yet to experience the pure joy of living like I used to. Let's see, In 1988 I divorced and was left with two babies and 4 days later was diagnosed with Hodgkin's. I suffered and survived Hodgkin's in 1988 as a single mom struggling. Things did go well for awhile and then I got Bell's Palsy...the list continues, I always was sick with something catastrophic. Being the tough 'Cookie' that I am (or was) I picked myself up and bought Gymboree franchises, a success. I sold them and went back to college for speech pathology. Got a job right away and it seemed like the world was my oyster. 7 months into the job I went in for a routine hysterectyomy...long story short (march 2007) I wasn't recovering...developed 98% pulmonary embolisms (blood clots) on both lungs,somehow survived that but I still wasn't recovering as well as expected. That led to the discovery of ALL. So, I endured and survived a bone marrow transplant. A very hard road. I am still a patient and I have been getting sick all over again patiently waiting to live my life. So, I am in a funk now because bad things just keep happening. My daughter has some serious issues that I will not go into, none of them her fault. Wrong place at the wrong time. Then my best friend, Lily (my cocker spaniel) died a few weeks ago. Oh yea, right before I was diagnosed I had to put Norman, my Golden Retriever to sleep from cancer complications. I have been getting sick, vomitting and such recently. I thought that was all behind me. Then I wake up to a phone call this morning to find out that my daughter was in a serious accident on a boat in Mexico. She was there for the long weekend. She just graduated college and got a great job that starts tomorrow and now she will have to go to the doctors here in the states. She is fine - just stiches on her chin, but I want her home NOW! They won't get in until tonight. What kind of medical care did she get? She was in a tiny resort town with little medical care. Then, I had a perfect business plan with a partner ready to go, I was so excited. But that fell through. What is next? I feel like I woke from my ALL nightmare to more nightmares. Everything is going wrong. I lost my ability to work in the field that I know and love most, I lost my freedom. I basically am a hermit in my home. I have a friend visiting now from Atlanta, but I can't participate in any activities. So, I sit in the house alone while everyone else goes out. Believe me, if I could go I would. Not happening. So, as you can tell I am venting big time and if you are reading this right now I applaude and thank you for listening to my crap. I try not to complain to my close ones because it brings everyone down and they don't know what to do to help the situation, so I pretend and hide. Did I survive for all of this heartache? When does the pleasure and peace return?
You are a dear for listening- I appreciate it!
Cookie
cookiem
OMG, I have read all of this, I am so so sorry, I do understand how you must feel, (well as much as is possible) I really dont know what to say to help. If I were there I would help as much as I could. Iwill pray as hard as I can, what else can I do, I am here for you to vent as much as you want to.
I really and truly hope that things do pick up for you in the future. I dont know why some people have to have such a hard life, its just not fair. I have a friend who suddenly went blind 40 years ago. Since then shes had one thing after another, I just wish people didnt have such a lot to cope with at once.
I hope by now your daughter is with you, then maybe you can feel a bit easier about her.
Maybe you will get another pet, I know it wont replace Norman, but it would be something to give you companionship and love. Im not saying this lightly but I am sure it would help. I couldnt be without my animals.
I am going away for a week on Saturday, so if you write and I dont reply dont worry, I will check on you when I get back.
Thinking of you. Much love and hugs,xxx
bonnytiz