cookiem's Journal

Same stuff, another day! I cry every night so no one will see or hear.

I know exactly what I need to be happy. Why does everyone think that they know what is best for me? They can't possibly understand what I feel. I am the only one who has traveled this long and difficult journey. My needs are simple and very attainable if only my family would see it that way. I need to share my life with my family and enjoy them. Everyone is so happy that I survived and they say they are so glad that I am still here, but that is just it. They hit the nail on the head. I did survive and I am still here, but alone. I am not enjoying anyhting because i do not do anything. I am being maintained. Let's enjoy what time I may have left with one another. Instead, they keep me in a box (my home) with no way to do anything independently. They are afraid if I go anywhere something may happen to me. They all live out of state except for K and the girls. Thank God for them, they are my world. The rest of my family got together in SF this last week and I wasn't allowed to go. Why not? So I sat by myself in this big house alone.  I tried to get a family reunion together but everyone is just too busy. Hmmmm...when I die, and I hope that it is a very long time from now, there will be a reunion at my funeral. Why do people have the time and money for funerals but not for life? I surviived and I am very capable to do most things on my own, just in a different way.  I can't make my own decisions for my own life because I have lost all financial control and without that, I have lost control over my own life. The sad part is that I am a very accomplished 52 year old woman who usually has a positive outlook. They are stripping away all of my dignity and respect. I feel like a teenager. I do appreciate the financial support and I understand their intentions but that is only part of the recovery process. We all need to have fun and live with the people you love. Life is all about relationships with people. The rest is just stuff. I wish that people would get that before it is too late.