xxzadyxx's Journal

FUCK I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE MY MOTHERFUCKING LIFE. I SUCK. LIFE SUCKS. NOTHING EVER GOES RIGHT AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO FIX IT...I can't even get fucking high. I want that so bad. You have no fucking idea. I miss the fucking nervousness that comes with setting up a rig and cooking the smack, I miss the rush and warm feeling that comes over me after I push down hard on the fucking plunger. I miss everything. I want it. I need it. I can't live like this. I can't. I'm constantly miserable. Every day is the same, every day I wish I was living, every day it escapes me, every day I hope for a brighter future, every day it gets farther away, every day I hope for happiness, every day it tells me to fuck off...  I can't do anything. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place that never go the fuck away. I can't understand anything except that everything I do is wrong. All I want right now is drugs, alcohol and a razor blade. That's what fixes my problems. That'll make me okay. All the cliche bullshit hasn't done anything. Life's too short to waste my time trying to fix something so broken I don't know where to fucking start. I wish I understood myself. I wish I understood the voices. I wish I understood my alters. I wish I understood something. Yet I'm in the dark as always, disconnected and banished from my own mind. They shunned me long ago and won't let me back... I wish I wasn't a psychopath... I wish I could be normal. I fucking hate myself, all I do is bitch and moan and whine and wish when I could just fucking do something. Yet I never get the fucking satisfaction. Nothing ever works. Everything used to be normal. Now it's not.