Journal

I can't believe this place... A kid died. The one who was carted off in an ambulance DIED... And there are still people going "Hey, you got any bars?" I wish they could hear themselves... I'm seriously not even here, just a body, no more Olivia. She's on vacationnnn. She can't deal. She sucks. Don't want the voices to win. Don't want the school to win. But... I don't know HOW. How do you be human? and normal? and happy? and stable and a good person and a good daughter and friend and girlfriend and just freakin' perfect? I DON'T GET IT... Life suckz. So very very very much. I'm going to be surprised if I don't slip up. I probably won't. I'm too much of a stupid wimp. I hate Olivia Zady Rebmann with a passion. i wish she'd die but she sticks around. I'm so confused and scared and scatter brained. I want everyone to shut up. So badly. I want people to go away. I want them to leave me alone. I want to leave. I want to go far far away or just disappear or something so it stops. Everything needs to stop. I'm so stupid. So fat. So ugly and inconsiderate and selfish. Someone should stab me because I'm not aloud to anymore. Someone should beat me up or cut me or something because I can't. It's not aloud. I want to lose weight. I want to go get trashed. I want to disappear. I want to see Jillian, but I'll just screw that up. I believe my subconscious loves screwing me over or something melodramatic like that.

So yesterday I really believed my life was over, today I'm still alive, so clearly it isn't, right? I don't know, I just got back from beating the shit out of a wall! YAY! I didn't get everything out of it that I would've liked, shame... haha. I guess it was better than getting drunk or fucked up. I really, really wish I had a different life. I don't though! I just have to learn to live in this fucking hell hole. My Mother actually had some good advice for me, which is odd. She told me I should spend my time "off" trying to figure out what makes me happy and what I like about me so I can at least be OK with me. SO, list time!
Things that make me happy:

1. Hanging out with friends
2. Listening to music

3. Concerts
4. Playing music

5. Baking with Jillian

6. Reading

7. Writing

8. Drawing

9. School Work

10. Soul Caliber

11. Helping people

12. Photography
13. German
14. Piercings

15. Cats

16. Horror movies

Things that are OK about me:
1. I'm nice to people

2. I always try my hardest

3. I'm understanding

4. I'm dedicated
5. I'm courteous
6. I'm unique