I just posted at an online support …
I just posted at an online support group. Even though I haven't received any replies yet and it's the first time I've …
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MillieH 
10:16am Monday
I don't know how much more I can take.
All I want to do is hide inside my little, stuffed and flowing flat, and never have to come out for anyone. I don't know why I wanted this, though I have loved it, I would give anything to wake up in my bed at home and realize it was all just a dream. I miss my home so much, and no one is home to take my call. I sit here all alone, not having the energy to reach out and talk because then I would certainly collapse. I just want to hide away in here, and not have to deal with others, not live up to their expectations or follow their rule. I need time and space, and I need to be showed love from those who should love me. I have friends, or people I talk to, but I would never tell them any of this. I would never even share the fact that I miss home. I don't know how I will complete my finals this term, it is all so surreal, and abstract. I try to do something, to think forward, but my view is blocked. I am afraid of failure. I don't want to do poorly on my finals or my assignments, but so far I have had troubles in every task I have been given. I want someone that cares that I struggle. Who just want me to succeed. Someone like a mother or a friend.
My flat is absolutely a mess, much like myself. I don't have any clean dishes or silverware, and I don't even care. Clean and used clothes floats around in my closet and my huge bathroom, clothes that is clean and dry still hanging around from when I washed sometime last week. I don't even manage to dress properly in the morning, going out looking like I dressed blind. No one comments or says anything. Weird.
I hardly eats, just white bread in grilled sandwiches. that and chocolate and pepsi are the only things I can force my self to make or eat.
I just want to hang out in my PJS, reading my Sookie Stackhouse books and watch House MD all day and night. Not go out, not think about school or everything else I have to do. But no. That is not a possibility for me now. I will finish up this term and then the next and the one after that, because just the thought of trying to explain to my parents and family and friends why I dropped out is MUCH more horrible and frustrating and panicking than finishing this whole thing up.
No, I am not okay.
UPDATED GOALS
Feel better about myself
Progress 15%
Current Weight (KGs)
110
Days without SI'ing (Days)
0
Encouragements: 0
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Wow, I am so sorry that you're having this problem. Yeah, you're definately homesick. I'm not sure what much I could say, other than try your best to do good until you can finish finals, then maybe you can go home and visit for a bit. I know exactly what you mean about fear of failing, and not being able to focus on your work. That's been me since school started. I guess I had to learn to throw everything into the work, and not let my mind even wander the sligtest bit. That's how I sort of picked it up.
I know the feeling about having a mother and friend. I felt like I wasnt going to be able to make it. I do want you to suceed. :) I know you can. You're a very smart person, and very nice. And I meant to tell you earlier, but I like your name alot. It makes me think of like a kind, gentle spirit. :) lol. I'm really cheesy, sorry. But, as I was saying, I do believe you can do this, because I have that kind of confidence in you! We'll make this semester togather!
coolkidrthomas
I agree with coolkid! I guess I can't relate to the school stuff quite so much, because its been years since I was at college, and even then, it wasn't one where I had to go away for. But I can understand the homesick feeling. I've just moved to somewhere where I have left all of my previous life behind. There is no going back for me. I am in a strange city that scares me because it is so big compared to what I've been used too. I have no idea where anything is, or how to get to it without help. I've lost my independence. I feel just like you do, all I want to do is stay indoors all day and read. It's horrible when everything is a major struggle. But what gets me up in the morning is thinking of my best friends on here. You who have college and have tougher challenges than I do. Life is hard sometimes, but you'll make it - you have that story to finish! You know I'm excited about reading more of it! Underneath you are a strong person, and if you ever feel like talking then just get in touch. It can be serious or random, whatever you need.
*Big hugs* coming your way.
trulymadlydeeply