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sonyahaley 
11:28pm Sunday
I'm at work and I just feel like writing. I'm happy. For a while now, I have been very unhappy. I've been depressed. I lost my passion for life. I lost my drive, my focus. I was lost. Finally, I feel like I'm getting that back. This week, I've experiences excitement. It's been a while since I have been excited for life. There are still a lot of issues in my life that need straightened out; however, I feel okay with all of them. I'm still scared about losing the girls, but I'm on such a high that it doesn't linger on my mind too much. So, I was thinking... what has caused this change? My relationship with Tim has taken a change. Tim has changed. He's more open to me. He's not as crabby. I think that this is a result of the girls. They have softened him, which is great! Also, Frances has been calm for a while now. There have been a few issues, but rather than jumping to the worst and overreacting, she talks with me and the situation is diffused. That is a major relief! I thin kthat the main difference, though, is that I made a friend this week. I know that probably sounds silly, but I haven't made a friend for a while. Growing up, I had a lot of friends and a huge family. I was always surrounded by people who love me. OUr house was never quiet! I was never alone. In college, I lived in the dorms and had a roommate. I was surrounded by people. I had many best friends when I was a kid. I had a best friend in college-- and I had Tim. Life was good. I went out. I had fun. I did things that I enjoy. I looooove being outside. I love to ride four wheelers. It brings me great happiness. When I got married, I moved to this strange city. I didn't know anyone. No one ever came to visit. I was not working. Tim worked all the time. I was isolated. That was a major problem for me! In my entire life, i had never ever been alone. I had never been isolated. I had never went so long without talking to people. I tlaked to my mom on he phone. My friends kind of slipped out of the picture. The distance made things difficult. Eventually, I got a job. It interrupted the boredom; however, I still never made any kind of connections with anyone. I had changed. I lost myself during this isolation. I feel like I am beginning to find me again. Rebecca is a woman at my church. She is the preacher's wife. She's a few years older than me. She has a couple of kids close to the age of my girls. We started talking and have grown very close in this past week. I have someone to talk to, to laugh with, to relate to. I have a Christian friend to encourage me and support me. She has become like my sister. I havent had this type of relationship for a while. So, i think that Rebecca is the cause of this new found excitement for life. I'm still not me. I really miss socializing and having fun. I am very adventurous. I am impulsive. I love danger. I love to be silly. Rebecca is not like that. She's older, which, i think is what makes the difference. I'm still a big kid. I want to go four wheeling. I want to stay out all night drinking milkshakes and laughing at nothing. I want to watch a high school football game and dance in the stands. I want to play hide and go seek in the dark. I want to ride my bike down a huge hill and feel the wind in my hair. I want to roll around in leaves. I want to sing in the rain. I want to play truth or dare. Is this strange? It seems so childish. I should behave as a grown- up, right? That's not me, tho. I think that is the problem. I have been trying to be soemone I am not. I want to have fun. I want to be free. Hmm.....
