Buradi's Journal

School:

I have finally finished reading The Grapes of Wrath.  I enjoyed it, but it took forever to read since I have so much to do and handle.  I answered all of the guided reading questions and took all the quizzes.  Now, I have to take the test and the unit test.  Then, I need to work on my Edgar Allan Poe research paper.  I like to write, but I'm not looking forward to it.  Takes too much time and energy and brainpower.  I also finished unit one in US History and the unit test.  On to unit two, about the Revolutionary War.  I've gotten as far as I can in French without my French dictionary.  I don't know where it is because it had been on my dresser until I cleaned it off, and I don't remember where I put it.  Once I find it, I'll continue studying imparfait (imperfect) verbs.

Health:

My mom decided not to refill any of my medications for days.  Over a week, actually.  One day without my meds reek havoc on my health.  I take Nortryptiline (an antidepressant) to prevent migraines, and one day without it causes severe migraines for days.  I take Nexium and Zantac 150 for my acid reflux, and one day without either causes overacidity for days.  I take orthotrycycline (birth control) to replace my hormones that my ovaries used to produce before they died, and two days without it causes bad hot flashes and make it easy to cry.  I take Bentyl to treat my constant stomach cramps, and, without it, I have terrible cramps, especially when tense, which is almost all the time.  Without Claritin D, I choke on my mucus, and I need my ibuprofen for all the pain that isn't prevented with the other meds (which is a lot).  She finally got my meds and I'm better except for my acidity.  The extra acid wanted to come up, but I can't let it, so it went out Southward, so I'm friends with the bathroom again.

Mental/Emotional Well-Being:

I have remembered new memories and am dealing with nightly bombardments of bad dreams.  Last night, I had a dream that was a new memory.  I was at this clubhouse place where this pedophile club met that my uncle was part of.  I was five.  They would r me all at one time and he liked it.  This one time, I had a catheter tube taped to the inside of my left leg, but it wasn't in me.  I was in the bathroom of the clubhouse and it had only one toilet, no stalls.  The toilet was the kind you find in public bathrooms, which seemed huge to me at the time.  I sat on it and could barely keep from falling into the toilet.  I tried not to get any urine on the tube, but it ran down both of my legs and got on the catheter because I was in a strange position in an attempt to keep the tube safe.  I immediately knew I was in huge trouble for getting urine on the catheter tube.  And I knew that my uncle would be the one to punish me.  That was the end of the dream.  I have been an emotional roller coaster lately.  Well, more so than usual.  And I crave chocolate so badly and so much....  The other day, my mom called me into her room to talk to me, then, after a while, she asked me if I wanted a backrub.  I remembered the good back rubs my grandma used to give me in the way "normal" grandparents do (because she's "normal") and said yes.  Mom rubbed my back for a while, then started rubbing my sides, then around to the front.  She rubbed my in places she shouldn't touch me, and touched inside.  She touched herself as well.  I tried to make her stop and told her to stop and no, but she wouldn't stop.  Finally, she did, and I left the room as fast as I could.  Every time I'm home alone with my dad, I close myself in my bedroom and try to go to the bathroom when he's outside smoking so he doesn't know that I'm in the bathroom and walk in.  Sometimes, he bursts into the room, probably hoping to find me getting dressed.  Tonight, he told me he was going to throw food at me and rub it all over me.  I'm still alone with him, and am hiding out in my bedroom.  He's trying to get me to go into the living room, but I know better.  At nights and sometimes in the mornings, he walks around the house in his underwear and his you-know-what sticking out and hard.  It gets harder when I accidentally look at it, and he intentionally stands right in front of my when I'm trying to watch TV or something.  What he and Mom do make me sick.  I want them to stop.  Luckily, though, Mom decided to cancel my next appointment to the urologist (her reason is lack of money, though.)

Other:

In order to get more money, Mom put some of her artwork in an art show.  Only one piece was sold.  A silk screen of my transformation through cancer.  It's a picture of me with hair beforehand, a picture of my IV of blood during a transfusion, and a picture of me bald, all fused together.  Everyone loves it.  It makes me feel good.  Grandma is selling her house.  That's the place where most of the abuse at the hands of my uncle took place, so I am happy, but sad because there were also a lot of good memories that were made there.  All of her things that are there are being distributed amongst family since she doesn't need anything that she hasn't already had moved to Uncle Henry's house (where she'll stay, he's a good uncle).  We already got two boxes full of small things (like pillow cases, sheets, kitchen towels, sewing kits, art, etc.) and a small, white, round table for the bedroom my  little sister and I share.  Whenever my brother decides to get off his lazy butt, we'll get her couch and coffee table.  I'm ecstatic that we get the coffee table.  There are no bad memories of it and a million and one good memories of it.  It also has many scratches and nicks and stuff from us when we were kids, so that brings up more good memories and gives it character.  I have been cleaning (by myself, of course) to make room for it and just to have more room and get rid of the millions of old toys we still have but don't use.  We've been having a sugar ant invasion for a while.  At first, it was in the kitchen at the sink.  But, then they stopped coming for a while.  Then, they came swarming into our bedroom.  My older sister had left a whole pack of birth control on the floor of our bedroom before she left and the ants went for it.  Mom saw it, picked it up, and threw it away (which was surprising, she usually would have made me throw it away).  Then, they found the candy I had stashed in my dresser so that my family wouldn't eat it.  I didn't remember the candy for a while, so I couldn't figure out where they were going.  Then, the other day, I opened the drawer it was in and the ants were covering it.  I threw all the candy away, and now they're all over the inside of the trash bag.  The bag isn't gone yet because I'm not allowed to throw away a trash bag until it is completely full to the point of bursting.  There are plenty of my little sister's dirty tissues laying on the floor to fill it up (she has a sinus infection), but I don't wish to get germs from them and get sick, since my immune system is very low, still.  Especially since all of my colds turn into bronchitis and almost into pneumonia.