Buradi's Journal

I had gone to the urologist for a bleeding bladder.  He is around the age my uncle was when he started hurting me and looks a little like him.  He didn't believe me that I could tell it was coming from my urethra and NOT my vagina.  He looked in my vagina and stuck his fingers and something else inside.  It was horrible and horribly painful.  I put off going back to him.  I went back today at 2pm.  He was going to put a camera in my bladder right there in the office!  I spoke with the nurse and told her that I wanted to be anesthetized for that and used my period as another excuse, leaving out my past since my mother was there and she doesn't know.  The nurse, who was my nurse last time I was there and probably knows that there was scarring inside me (I'm assuming the scars are still there from how the doctor looked after he did the exam thingy), looked understanding and took me to a regular room and told me I could discuss it with him.  He came in and said he wanted to do a catheterized urine catch.  I was really anxious about that.  I was shaking when he went to do the catch.  After he did it, he decided that he wanted to look in my vagina again and did so and stuck his fingers and whatever the other thing is inside me again.  I already couldn't help but see him as a rapist, but now it's so much worse.     Now, he says he won't let me decide to be anethsetized when he puts the camera in my bladder!  I hurt and I feel drained and like I'm going to throw up....  And I had a flashback when he was checking my vagina......