Buradi's Journal

I have hardly any stamina from what cancer did to my body and my muscles are nearly gone, even after three years off chemo.  Yesterday, I spent from 10 am to 6 pm at my teacher's house, studying the urinary system in Anatomy.  I had let everyone know when I was coming home so that they could make sure that I could get inside of the house since I don't have a house key.  My teacher and her daughter brought me home on their way to Hancock Fabrics.  Good thing they wait until I get in the door before leaving.  The door was locked and no one was home to let me in.  I went with them to Hancock Fabrics.  I had already used up all of my stamina, but I had to walk around the store with them and my teacher's two-year-old granddaughter wanted me to push her and her baby sister in the double stroller around the store to look at the Mickey Mouse fabric.  Then, we walked from there to Little Caesar's to get their pizza (I can't have pizza unless it doesn't have sauce, so I didn't get anything).  Then, we walked back to get to the car.  They brought me home after that.  Dad was home.  I got on the computer and the phone to try to relax.  My little sister got home.  Dad wanted me to wash a big pan that's hard for me to wash when I'm not tired.  I said something about the difficulty and he said some stuff that confused me about what I was supposed to do.  He got mad because I wasn't doing it.  He hurt me.  Eventually, he left the house to guzzle his beer.  I went into the kitchen to find out what I was supposed to be doing.  By then, my older sister was home.  My sisters were in the kitchen.  No one ever gets mad at them unless it's me.  They wouldn't tell me what I was supposed to do (Dad told me to ask them).  My older sister told me that it didn't matter because I wasn't going to get any dinner.  I said that I wouldn't wash anything then, since I wasn't going to get anything out of it and they weren't making me want to do them a favor.  She got mad at me.  She decided she wanted to leave the room (probably to go storm around like she does when mad) and I was in the way.  She snapped excuse me (which is better than she usually manages) and didn't wait for me to move before she shoved past me.  I would have fallen if the wall didn't hold me up.  Then, she wanted to come back in the room and told me to move.  I decided that that time I wasn't going to move.  Wasn't a smart idea, but I was overly emotional due to my hormone replacement not working right.  I told her I wasn't going to move.  She tried to throw me.  I reached out automatically grabbing to keep from leaving the ground.  I gave her welts with my nails (which she completely deserves with how she treats me).  She attacked me physically, ripping skin off.  I was bleeding and have a phobia of blood, so that wasn't good.  Dad came inside and was mad at me and completely drunk and he attacked me.  I tried to stand up for myself.  Then, one of my alters who was very angry with them took over and screamed at him and told him to go ahead and hit me again.  He gladly obliged.  Many times.  And Mom was fighting on their side.  My little sister was chearing them on, saying I deserve it.  I finally got to my bedroom.  There's only one doorknob on my bedroom door and I had switched it to the inner side of the door in case I needed to get away from them, so I closed the door so that they couldn't get in and hurt me.  I didn't come out until they were calm.  Then, they lectured me on being a better person.  My sisters had decided to make me dinner as well, which I was grateful for and thanked them for.  After I ate away from the rest of the family, I was putting cling wrap on the leftover rice so it could go in the fridge, and Dad came up behind me.  He hugged me from behind and pressed his you-know-what against me and said that he loved me and that he was sorry.  The whole time, he was touching places.  I felt like I was going to cry.