sinann's Journal

i am glad i have some place to go... even though we are in different timezones and maybe you are all too busy to take notice but i find just having an outlet is good.. just someplace to come and let my worrys out... he called just before and reminded me how much he has been hurt by my actions and how he has had the same bread roll for lunch for the last 2 years... while i have been having take away and red bull .... every time he mentions the hurt or what he has said to others or when i see it in his face i feel sick to my stomach and more worthless than before... its a helpness that i cannot escape, i think of ending it all but i can't do that either... i can't let my daughter grow up without a mum... but then maybe he would find a partner worthy of being a mother and wife for them both. What could i possible offer them.. i have nothing of value and my morals aren't worth the paper they are written on. i can't even think of better days because they were filled with lies and as he has mentioned broken promises... all through our relationship i have kept secrets, other credit cards, even my penchant for public sex, he has worried about money, he thought i was cheating at one stage, i have never really proven myself to him... though he looks after me and protect me, paid my debts and he tells me everything... i have nevr shown him that respect, and i have treated him like an idiot and a moron with my lies and deceit. I am so very sorry for the selfishness things i have done, I don't even have any good excuses for my behaviour... none recent , plenty from the past though but is it still an excuse though for my addiction...