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sinann 
11:48pm, June 4, 2009
i am please to say that i did the food shopping yesterday and i think i did fairly well.... it was very hard not to pick up the things i would like to get and get only the things on the list adn they were nessessicitys not luxury's we have cut back our meat consumption and are only serving palm size cuts... or less... i will have to bake everything though.. biscuits, scones and cakes...
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Be a better partner
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i am glad i have some place to go... even though we are in different timezones and maybe you are all too busy to take notice but i find just having an outlet is good.. just someplace to come and let my worrys out... he called just before and reminded me how much he has been hurt by my actions and how he has had the same bread roll for lunch for the last 2 years... while i have been having take away and red bull .... every time he mentions the hurt or what he has said to others or when i see it in his face i feel sick to my stomach and more worthless than before... its a helpness that i cannot escape, i think of ending it all but i can't do that either... i can't let my daughter grow up without a mum... but then maybe he would find a partner worthy of being a mother and wife for them both. What could i possible offer them.. i have nothing of value and my morals aren't worth the paper they are written on. i can't even think of better days because they were filled with lies and as he has mentioned broken promises... all through our relationship i have kept secrets, other credit cards, even my penchant for public sex, he has worried about money, he thought i was cheating at one stage, i have never really proven myself to him... though he looks after me and protect me, paid my debts and he tells me everything... i have nevr shown him that respect, and i have treated him like an idiot and a moron with my lies and deceit. I am so very sorry for the selfishness things i have done, I don't even have any good excuses for my behaviour... none recent , plenty from the past though but is it still an excuse though for my addiction...
i have come here to get support for my shopping addiction and my depression, and to get some help and try to make myself feel better, i need to just let it all out... i have been a mess the last few days adn i think i had my first exprience in a nervous breakdown... not a full one but i think it came close, my money problems have come to the surface for the first time in 10 yrs... and my partner who has been with me for that time has bailed me out of money issues since we got together, his one dream in life was to have a family home for a child/children to grow up in, but in the last tens years i have managed to spend excessively and the deposit of a dream home has been paid onto my creditcards... the things he said to me were very hurtful , like a thousand of ants eating and nipping at every part of me... but true.... i cannot face any one at the moment, i cannot get on facebook... the thought of how much i have hurt him tears me to pieces, for the first time in 10 years i feel the fear of him leaving... i don't want to acknowledge it... but he could i fear when he comes home from work that he will come in and say... it's over get out i don't love you anymore... i feel so repulsive.
