Journal

Today my granddaughters were dedicated in the church. It was a joyous occasion. I came away feeling terrible though. I didn't want to go up in front of the church because I am so huge and I didn't want the whole congregation to see me struggline to get up the three small steps to the stage area and I can't stand to see pictures of myself and I didn't want to ruin the pictures of the babies with my huge body in the picture. So I was the picture taker.  I didn't know that my daughter invited her inlaws to go up on stage with her. I'm a little jealous, but what really grieves my heart is that if I die in surgery the babies will not have any pics of me, they're at an age where they probably won't  remember me, and how much I love them. I so want to be able to take them places and be in pics with them so they will always remember me and the good times we have and know that I loved them.  If I survive this surgery, I am determined to make it work because I am realizing that my biggest fear of all is not being part of my grandbabies lives. My children are grown and I've missed out on so much with them, but I can change that with my grandchildren. Everyone who prays please pray for me.

I also got kicked out of my writing critique group. It's not a big deal because it was something I just wasn't able to keep up with and kind of wanted to quit anyway. I was holding out because I know this school term is ending and I thought I would have more time. Somehow though, even though I feel relieved, it still feels bad, and I'm starting to geel down. Like i said, it's not a big deal, I'm relieved of the added responsibility, but on top of the thing with the granddaughters, and the upcoming surgery, and knowing that my kids are not going to see me in the hospital, it kind of has me down.                   

I had mypre- pre-op appointment (I will have the final pre-op the day before surgery) yesterday and I was happy that I was down to 392. I had to lose below 400, so I lost a little more than I had to. Now I just have to keep doing it, because if I don't try to lose weight, I will start gaining. It is so easy to fall back into bad habits. I am praying I will lose the desire to overeat permamently with this surgery. I know as soon as I am able I definately want to be doing more exercise, but I'm going to start doing things I enjoy. Can't wait til I'm small enough to not feel afraid to go to a public swimming pool. I really miss swimming. I haven't swam since I was a kid. (I guess I can still swim, I don't think it's something you forget). It's kind of scary that the surgery is so close, but my doctor is nationally known, has an excellent track record, is a center of excellence doctor, and has been doing this for over 13 years, so I think I'm in good hands. Besides, I think I'm ready. I've been so heavy for so long. I've missed out on so many things because of this huge amount of weight. When I think of how different my life might have been if I hadn't have been so fat, I start to cry. Maybe I could have interveined in my son's drug use. I could have walked him to every class and sat with him in every class like I threatened. There were so many things I could have done had I been physically able. It might be too late to do them with my kids, but I can still do things with my grandbabies. Of course now that my kids are grown I can actually start doing things I have wanted to do. First thing is taking my gr babies to the zoo (and not being afraid there won't be benches), walking on the beach and being able to enjoy it instead of wondering if I will be able to make it to the car. Then I'm going to get me a good job (being on disability sucks-almost as much as being fat) and buy a horse and go riding. I'm going to take a photography class and start doing nature photography.

It is getting a little scary now, I know that I am a high risk patient, but I also know that I am at the same or greater risk of dying just walking around with this much weight on. (I think I already wrote previously that my cardiologist gave me a year to live in 2005) I would rather die trying to get a normal life than just to die fat. Sometimes the thing that worries me most about dying (besides that my kids will be o.k.) is my family being embarassed because they have to have a super-sized coffin. I believe that God will be with me and he will not allow me to die just yet. Why w ould he bring me this far just to take me home now?  Any way, those of you who know how to pray, please keep me in prayer. My surgery is not til dec.1, but that's coming up fast. Bless you all and thank you for your support.