sstreet's Journal

i'm working on an actual small endo bio for this profile, but it's late and i don't want to miss sleep AND make silly grammar mistakes, so it'll have to get done later.

my body doesn't feel bad.  i'm getting over a cold that i'm sure i got because of stress.  i imagine the endo makes you a bit immunosupressed during the menstrual cycle.  or, at least, it seems like the last several times i've been sick, it's been just as my period starts.  anyway, my body doesn't feel bad.  i have mild cramps, may just be ovulation... i hesitate to even call them cramps.  i have ovulation slightly uncomfortable tingles. 

my hunny is gone for a couple days, to his younger brother's graduation in fresno.  i'm not as anxious as i used to get when he'd leave for a few days.  but i'm bummed. i'm having trouble managing my stress. 

4 of my 5 close girlfriends decided that, as i didn't assign bridesmaids, they were all gona go on a trip to SE asia for the entire month before my wedding.  like, they're literally getting back the morning before my wedding.  certainly, they're within their rights to travel.  but they all had offered to help me, and now they can't.  the ony reason any of them will be able to make it to the shower is because i had to step in and make sure everything was scheduled just so.  i know that is freaking my mum out.  she wanted my bff to help her, but i'm not relying on her either because she knew the others were leavin and didn't tell me or mum. 

i know i'm partly responsible for this.  i need to work on my communication.  i sometimes try to do things thinking of other people, and i dont make it clear that i'm trying to do them a favor.  then, i feel taken advantage of when they sieze an opportunity i've freed up for them.  i didn't pick bridesmaids because the ceremony is going to be very small... and because the economy is crap, and i din't want my friends to feel they needed to buy ugly expensive matching dresses for the occasion.  i need to figure out a clear, not offensive way to exlain that my feelings are hurt, and that i'd never have expected them to do this.   it'll take me some time to grow guts enough to say something.

on top of this, my hunny went to his younger cousins hs graduation over the weekend, and told me that two of his cousins are insisting that they get to bring their boyfriends to the wedding.  i've been telling people, "it's not a bring-a-date" wedding.  apparently, they dont see the harm.  the harm is that we rented a place that is small, but can fit all of our family and friends.... but barely so.  and, i have the feeling that they'd be the first to gripe about it if there wasn't space enough to dance.

i was giving a massage today, and just couldnt focus.  my eyes started tearing up.  i dint burst or anything, but i was really bothered by it.  i feel like this isr eally invading my life.  i've never had focus-on-the-job issues before... i'll admit to occasionally daydreaming, but i can snap myself out of that easily.  this is different.  it's like my emotions are driving me, and not me allowing emotions to flow. i hope keeping a journal helps.