Cherry09's Journal

Hey everyone,

Went to the police station today to ID Jonathan because they arrested him this morning. Or at least they thought they did. I went for the ID parade but none of them were him. I felt completely broken and I've been feeling a bit washed out lately anyway. I just feel too ill and tired to keep this up. Up to this point,I've been fighting to keep myself alive and going otherwise I would die. Now it feels like there's nothing to keep fighting for. Everwhere I turn,there's a problem,nothing can just go right. Don't get me wrong,I don't expect everything to be perfect and rosy. I just wish I could get my life back on track without anymore complications. I still haven't done a pregnancy test yet but I'm going to do it on Monday. I've been feeling so sick and it feels like the nausea I had when I was pregnant with my son. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I'll know either way next week. I just feel so drained after today. I knew there was a chance that it wouldn't be him but it was so hard to go there today and it was all for nothing. On the other hand,I now know that if I hurt him defending myself,it won't come back to bite me in the ass. Also,the DC is going to widen the search and put out Jonathan's description over the whole of the UK so his days truly are numbered. I just don't feel any better for knowing that. The DC's asked me to try really hard to remember anything I might have left out. To be honest I think about it all the time anyway but I'm sick of thinking about it. It fills my head night and day. My nightmares have got worse. I wake up with scratches on my arm from where I claw my arms in my sleep. I expect tonight will be no different. I've completely lost my appetite aswell from all the stress,I've already lost half a stone. Not that that's a bad thing,I was getting a bit podgy around the edges. Anyway,I'm just rambling now,too tired to think straight. Take care everyone x