Cherry09's Journal

Hey everyone,the weekend was a bit up and down. I haven't heard anything from the police yet so I'm guessing still no news. I can feel myself slowly slipping back to the old me,the bad me. I just feel so frustrated and down at the moment and I know I'm slipping back into my old ways. I've been having nightmares again and flashbacks,I've been really jumpy and flinching at stupid little things. We watched a film last night called "Watchmen". I didn't know there was a rape scene and when it inevitably came round,I froze. I wanted to tell the guys to turn it off so badly but I just couldn't say a word. I started twitching and the flashbacks started. Luckily Ben noticed and turned it off for a minute. I felt so stupid and weak. These people are some of the closest to me and they know what I've been through so why can't I open my mouth? I didn't just feel uncomfortable,it was way too close to home for me. I started off shaking,then my breathing went funny until my chest went tight and I was hyper-ventilating and I was over-whelmed by a feeling of sickness. I've been feeling so scared lately and that was just my lowest point. I haven't been the same today. Feeling ill and queasy,had nightmares all night and some flashbacks today. I feel completely over-whelmed by everything I'm feeling. I wanted to speak to someone over the weekend but I just felt so exhausted,I couldn't deal with anyone. My head feels like it's going to explode and I feel constantly ill. I know I should be handling things better,I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. You guys seem to be the only people I can really turn to and talk to openly. If I said any of this to Ben,he'd just tell me to get on with things and not let these things ruin my day and I can see he's right. I just can't switch off how I feel like a lightswitch,I just can't. I probably am weak.