Cherry09's Journal

Hey everyone,

                     I'm not sure what's going on with my relationship anymore. I love Ben and I know he loves me but I find myself wondering if I'm enough for him. I found a message last week that he sent another girl called Nikki. It said-" You are my life,my world

                                                                          My heart and my soul

                                                                          Without you I am nothing

                                                                           With you I am everything

                                                                           I love you...xxxx"

I don't know what to think. I've spoken to Nikki a few times and she's a smashing girl. She's beautiful,smart,sexy and funny-how can I compare with that??       

I think maybe if she was in the UK,things would be harder so I do feel some comfort in the fact that they won't get to meet. I just don't understand. I think he gets everything he needs from me physically,sex is on tap,that's for sure. I'm worried that if I don't give him that,he'll have no reason to stay with me. Maybe I've just got so dragged down with everything that Nikki's a bit of normality for him,an escape. She always knows how to put a smile on his face.

I'm just not sure what I am to him anymore. He hasn't even told his best friend about us. We've been together for about 9 months and he hasn't said a word. I feel like his dirty little secret. His friends have no idea. I understand why he hasn't said anything. It's because my ex was one of hs friends and he's worried that his best mate will kick off because he's made a move on a friends missus. It's a guy thing,I'm sure you guys out there will understand what I mean. It doesn't stop it hurting though and it makes me wonder if he'll ever tell him. I thought it would be ok because I make him happy,I do everything for him. I just feel like it's not enough. I'm not enough. I'm not sure where this is going anymore. I want us to be together so badly,I love him so much and I just want to make him happy but I don't feel like I am. It's like we've got comfortable with each other and stopped making so much of an effort. He has anyway. This isn't what I wanted. I want to be with someone who loves me as much as I love them. I don't expect everything to be perfect,those fairytale relationships don't exist. I just really thought I'd landed on my feet this time. To top all of this off,I might be pregnant and I've heard him say he doesn't want kids. So in short,I think he's cheating so I don't know where I stand;there might be a mini me on the way (although I hope it's negative because I'm in no position to raise another child just yet) and he's let me dow on the most important day of my life. I just feel like my purpose is to revolve around him and his needs. Which I don't mind,it's always been in my nature to put others first. I just felt like today was one day when I needed to come first. Instead,he's gone off to see his best mate,the same friend that knows nothing about me and how important(apparently) I am to him.