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Cherry09 
11:00am, September 25, 2009
Hey everybody,I'm really sorry for my last journal entry. I read over it again and I was really feeling sorry for myself. On the plus side,I'm not pregnant so that's one less thing to worry about. But I wanted to say I'm really sorry to all of you who have real problems. I was ranting and feeling sorry for myself. I'm sorry.
Comments
Hey everyone,
Went to the police station today to ID Jonathan because they arrested him this morning. Or at least they thought they did. I went for the ID parade but none of them were him. I felt completely broken and I've been feeling a bit washed out lately anyway. I just feel too ill and tired to keep this up. Up to this point,I've been fighting to keep myself alive and going otherwise I would die. Now it feels like there's nothing to keep fighting for. Everwhere I turn,there's a problem,nothing can just go right. Don't get me wrong,I don't expect everything to be perfect and rosy. I just wish I could get my life back on track without anymore complications. I still haven't done a pregnancy test yet but I'm going to do it on Monday. I've been feeling so sick and it feels like the nausea I had when I was pregnant with my son. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I'll know either way next week. I just feel so drained after today. I knew there was a chance that it wouldn't be him but it was so hard to go there today and it was all for nothing. On the other hand,I now know that if I hurt him defending myself,it won't come back to bite me in the ass. Also,the DC is going to widen the search and put out Jonathan's description over the whole of the UK so his days truly are numbered. I just don't feel any better for knowing that. The DC's asked me to try really hard to remember anything I might have left out. To be honest I think about it all the time anyway but I'm sick of thinking about it. It fills my head night and day. My nightmares have got worse. I wake up with scratches on my arm from where I claw my arms in my sleep. I expect tonight will be no different. I've completely lost my appetite aswell from all the stress,I've already lost half a stone. Not that that's a bad thing,I was getting a bit podgy around the edges. Anyway,I'm just rambling now,too tired to think straight. Take care everyone x
Comments
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Hi, I'm sorry they haven't found him yet lets hope they fid him soon, and get that pregnancy test done! Take care of yourself,
L
Hey everyone,the weekend was a bit up and down. I haven't heard anything from the police yet so I'm guessing still no news. I can feel myself slowly slipping back to the old me,the bad me. I just feel so frustrated and down at the moment and I know I'm slipping back into my old ways. I've been having nightmares again and flashbacks,I've been really jumpy and flinching at stupid little things. We watched a film last night called "Watchmen". I didn't know there was a rape scene and when it inevitably came round,I froze. I wanted to tell the guys to turn it off so badly but I just couldn't say a word. I started twitching and the flashbacks started. Luckily Ben noticed and turned it off for a minute. I felt so stupid and weak. These people are some of the closest to me and they know what I've been through so why can't I open my mouth? I didn't just feel uncomfortable,it was way too close to home for me. I started off shaking,then my breathing went funny until my chest went tight and I was hyper-ventilating and I was over-whelmed by a feeling of sickness. I've been feeling so scared lately and that was just my lowest point. I haven't been the same today. Feeling ill and queasy,had nightmares all night and some flashbacks today. I feel completely over-whelmed by everything I'm feeling. I wanted to speak to someone over the weekend but I just felt so exhausted,I couldn't deal with anyone. My head feels like it's going to explode and I feel constantly ill. I know I should be handling things better,I'm just not sure how much more I can handle. You guys seem to be the only people I can really turn to and talk to openly. If I said any of this to Ben,he'd just tell me to get on with things and not let these things ruin my day and I can see he's right. I just can't switch off how I feel like a lightswitch,I just can't. I probably am weak.
UPDATED GOALS
put my past to rest
Progress 0%
Encouragements: 1
Add your supportComments
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well remember we are here for you, I'm sorry things ar tough at the moment but you will get through it and you are not weak although i think we all imagin we are sometimes. you are strong to have got this far so keep going!
Take care,
L
Past Entries
| July 2009 |
Friday, 7/10
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Thursday, 7/09
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Thursday, 7/09
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Wednesday, 7/08
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June 2009 |
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Wednesday, 6/17
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Wednesday, 6/17
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Tuesday, 6/16
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Sunday, 6/14
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Friday, 6/12
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Wednesday, 6/10
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Goal Updated
Hi Cherry. I hope you don't mind but I've read your journals. Don't feel guilty about feeling sorry for yourself x x I used to feel like it all the time, it's a natural feeling in which at this moment in time you are dealing with some really difficult things - you'd sympathise with a friend who was experiencing these things wouldn't you? I hope things get better for you real soon. Lots of love to you xx
NikiT
Hi, i just want to say, from what i've read here of your journal, i don't think you're weak, i think you've got a real inner strength, a lot of people would have just thrown up their hands and given up by now, but you're still going, and still here, that tells me that you're more of a fighter than you realize :)
CILO
Hey everyone,thank you for your kind words and support. I've been ready to give up plenty of times but like you said,I'm still here and I guess that's something to be proud of. I'm trying to move on with my life and not let things take over. People like you guys on DS have helped me get here so I owe you all a debt of gratitude. Thank you all x
Cherry09