frustratedbutcurious's Journal

I thought this weekend was never going to end. I spent most of it either lying on the sofa watching TV or lying on my bed watching the ceiling. Any spurt of energy I got from the Sertraline when I started taking it has worn off. My inertia and anxiety are starting to creep back in.

I wonder how much of it is habit. Because I know how I feel when I get anxious, and I know that when I do get anxious I get paralysed. Am I thinking myself into that state out of habit? 

I'll need to ask my therapist about that. Maybe that's what CBT is all about? Learning to recognise that 90% of the anxiety is learned.(And then unlearning it.)

A lot of this weekend was negative self-talk. I pretty much decided that I wasn't going to get anything done until I emailed my ex, and I wasn't going to email him, so I didn't get anything done. I just sat and moped and let the various drafts of what I want to say to him mull around in my head. I had a weird sensation where every other word I thought of was his name. I'm not thinking about him, so much as constantly having his name pop up in my head.

Today is the first Monday I have been at work in a month. The self-esteem course ended last week, and now I'm back in the office. Maybe the moping was something to do with that. While I was on the course I felt like I was getting somewhere (or at least I was distracted for a while). Now I feel like I'm on my own again.

I have a dance class tonight which will keep me away from the dreaded email for the evening. Now I just need to get through today at my desk.

Bleh.