frustratedbutcurious's Journal

I'm struggling today. I know I shouldn't reply to the horrible email my ex sent on Friday but I just can't get it out of my mind. There's so much that I want to say to him. I want him to see what his part is in all of this, how much he has hurt me, and how useless it is to keep things going when he's going to the US in only a few weeks.

I'm back on his rollercoaster and I hate it. I'm sad, distracted, lethargic. I've spent the whole day today moping around trying to think of things to take my mind off emailing him. I'm finally here journaling in the hope that I can get it out of my system and not email him.

The thing is I miss him. While I was reading a book about emotionally abusive men I was strong. Every page reminded me of why my ex is bad for me and why I should stay away. I felt like I could finally move on. I was planning to delete him from Facebook and to set my status on there to single. In a defiant way it felt good. And then I finished the book. My sense of resolve has evaporated and I'm starting to reminisce on what we were doing this time last year (which was very definitely the honeymoon period).

It's definitely fair to say that it's the weekends when I miss him most. The weeks are hard, but the weekends are hardest. I had two invitations to go out today and I turned them both down because I didn't want to go out. Neither of them would have been good for me - a group of friends who like to see me fail, and my parents. 

I just need to work through this.