frustratedbutcurious's Journal

I'm so angry right now.

I got myself into a dialogue with my ex when I really shouldn't have. He's heading off to California in 2 months and I was devatstated to hear that he's going. I got in touch to say that I would miss him. Would miss him, not *do* miss him. And he replied saying he has hopes for us in the future and he misses me etc etc etc.

I was curious about that so I asked him how he thought we could sort things out given that he's leaving the country so soon. I was honest about my feelings for him, but I wasn't necessarily looking to reopen a debate about "us" since it's all so painful for me still and I'm not sure that I could either wait for him for 9 months, or take him back at all if he does decide that he wants to try again. Afterall, if he goes to California and does this exciting course that we originally planned to do together, how is that going to feel for me while I am stuck at home?

Well his take on things is that events have taken a turn against us and we'll just have to try our best to see where we stand with each other before he goes. He implied that it was me delaying that caused us to run out of time. This victim mentality really winds me up as he never takes responsibility for anything and it is always somebody else's fault.

Now he is angry with me. He's using his infidelity (which I now realise he knows I see as infidelity, which makes it worse) he's using his infidelity as proof that *he* can be emotionally open with someone, and is challenging me that I am the one who is not able to be emotionally open!

I'm at the end of the line. This isn't about us negotiating a new relationship together; he sees this as a battle to prove who is right. He's clearly got no interest in my feelings or in creating a relationship on an equal footing. 

He's playing the victim, making out that his issues are things he must bravely confront (like allowing himself to be trampled on all of his life) and I need to face up to my responsibilities and deal with my shadow (my "responsibilities" including being wholly responsible for the failure of our relationship since he says it started going bad when I wouldn't open up to him more deeply to draw his attention back from the affair he was having).

I wish I had never replied to that damn email and had just left him hanging. I want to reply now and nail the door shut for good. He's so infuriating.