Journal

What am I doing? It is 1am and I have work tomorrow. I'm crying, I have cramps and I feel like shit all of a sudden. I've been reading my journals and getting emotional. Crap! It was all going so well this weekend. I was getting somewhere. And now I'm all emotional and physially uncomfortable and I want to write to him.... it's time for cake. Big slabs of chocolate cake. It's the only thing that will help.

I've been feeling better lately. The psychotherapy is helping, and knowing that he is on the other side of the Atlantic is actually helping more than I thought it would. I still think about him more than I probably should, although I'm starting to get through more and more activities without him intruding on my thoughts.

I've switched off the DailyStrength daily updates and activity updates. I used to find them very comforting, and now I realise that I'm avoiding my email because when I see them I instantly think of him. In fact, I was in a very excited mood just now because I got a new book in the post, and then the daily email popped up, and my mood dropped like a stone.

I think the only way I'm going to be able to get over this is to make a clean break. None of my family or friends talk about him anymore, and if I mention his name nobody comments on it. The only indication that my parents even still think of him is that they still have a framed picture of the two of us (one of the only ones) up in their hallway. My best friend still has him on her facebook as a friend, but that's more for my benefit so she can keep tabs on what he's up to. She's very level-headed and kind, so she would only use it to warn me of something terrible.

All in all, it feels like it is time to move on. I doubt I will ever forget him though. :(

I'm missing him today. He would have loved the allotment. I've found an awesome music website called last.fm. I'm listening to music he would have loved. It's giving me witch fingers and making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end.

It's taking a gargantuan effort of will not to email him. The ball's still in my court and I need to keep it there.