purplehearts's Journal

Hey everyone

I haven't updated in a while quite a bit has happened since then.

As you know from my journal,I made an attempt to leave my partner. Unfortunately it wasn't succesfull. I asked him to leave, which he did at first, but then he called me all night and the phone calls got worse and worse. It started with "My life is over, there's no point in doing anything, or seeing my son I might as well go to jail" and got worse and worse when I didn't give in. In the end he made a really bad threat which terrified me so I agreed he could come back. Then when he came home he appeared really upset and said how much he loved me etc and it made me feel sorry for him. He promised to change, of course. But after taking him back, a few days later things were back to normal. I feel stupid for listening to him.

But I guess I wasn't prepared or ready for all the emotional blackmail, and for him getting really upset and making threats.  I found that very difficult to cope with. I remember my partner saying to me once "Your problem is that people see your kindness as a weakness". I think he was referring to the way he sees me, because he is constantly taking advantage of my trusting nature.

Now I have got to the point where I feel very little for my partner. Certainly, I don't love him. I feel this constant simmering resentment and anger. And above all I feel this huge longing just to be on my own. Well on my own but with my son obviously.

I think that is a step forward, because for years I was terrified of being on my own - In fact I have been in relationships solidly since I was 16. To me anything was better than being alone.  But right now all I want is some time alone to get to know myself again. I actually enjoy and feel happy and relaxed in my own company now.

I just want to get my head together and prepare myself for leaving.

I've read a book called Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it to any woman in an abusive relationship - It's really helped me understand the way my partner's mind work, the way he manipulates me, and it's helping me not feel guilty about wanting better for myself. It has also helped me understand the difference between a man who is genuinely changing, and one who is just pretending to change.

Some more news - I'm pregnant. It's very early days so we'll see how it goes. I  have mixed feelings. It was a huge shock - me and my partner rarely have sex anymore. And I am worried  because this is my fourth pregnancy, but due to SIDS and miscarriage, I only have one child, so I can't help feeling that something will go wrong. But my Due Date is the same date as my little angel's birthday so I have taken that as a sign he is watching over my pregnancy.

I'm feeling like I'm at a crossroads at the moment, and desperately wanting to change my life and start heading in the right direction.